Bye, bye Brit...

A friend of mine said the other day that Britney Spears will be dead by July. Then he amended that statement, giving her until August.

Personally, I doubt she makes it through April.

Who wants to start a pool?

The list

I had this on my MySpace blog, but I was told that I needed to post it for the world to see. Without any further ado, here the list of euphemisms for the the word "vagina," as suggested by my friends Andrea, Gabe, Sarah, Landon, Minal and myself:

Kramfish

Red Snapper

Roast Beef Curtains

Ham Wallet

Cotton Bowl

Cul de Sac

Gut Locker

Salmon Purse

Snapfish

Juice Box

Squish Mitten

Cootertilly

Hot Pocket

Tuna tunnel

Bacon box

Bearded clam

Pretty possum

Puckered portal (could also go for other orifices!)

Snog pocket

Hot slot

Tainted taco

Pink pit

Bunny funnel

Pink Taco

Pikachu

Va-jay-jay

Snatch

twat

Recent submissions:

Slash

Slit

Gash

Cut

Now before anyone goes and gets all in an uproar, know that I believe everyone needs a good sense of humor. This list was not made to make fun of the birth canal; rather, it is intended to celebrate the fact that I never have to touch a vagina again! Yay!

An unfriendly reminder

We had a story online yesterday about the fact that Missouri leads the nation for the rate of black deaths by homicide. It's a sad reminder of how far we still have to go to build communities and improve conditions for minorities in this country.

Where are my movies? Where are my memories?

Anyone who truly knows me, and I am realizing there really aren't that many people who do know me, knows that old black-and-white movies are one of my true passions.

Humphrey Bogart... Ingrid Bergman... Lauren Bacall... Bette Davis... Fred Astaire... Ginger Rogers... Deborah Kerr... Cary Grant... Clark Gable... Audrey Hepburn...

These performers have brightened many a dark evening for me, not to mentioned help turn good evenings into great ones.

I moved into my current apartment in mid-June of last year. While in the process of moving, I kept my DVD player and a handful of my favorite DVDs — among them "Casablanca," "All About Eve," "Swing Time," "Top Hat," "An Affair to Remember," "Roman Holiday" and a handful of others, like "Little Miss Sunshine" — behind at my old place to tide me over until the move was complete.

It was a pretty hectic time, but I never would have imagined misplacing that box. But sure as fuck, I can't find any of those movies. It's almost 1:45 a.m., and I just went through ever box in our basement — again — and can't find the goddamn movies.

Aside from the significant financial investment involved, I am having a hard time reconciling the emotional investment that has been lost. My heart is weeping.

Still, they are just DVDs... Bits of plastic with some digital coding. I can replace the movies in time.

"Casablanca" will be the same movie, if not the same case that caught my tears while I sat alone in my house and cried the first night my ex-wife and kids left. "An Affair to Remember" will be the same movie, even if it's not the same disc that played my first night in St. Louis, wondering if I was ready to start all over with new friends. "Swing Time" will be the same, even if it's not the same copy of the film I bought at the same time I bought my friend Greg a copy of the same movie last summer for his birthday.

Where are my movies? I'll be damned if I know. Where are my memories? Alive and well in my heart.

New tattoo

I decided over my "me" weekend to get another tattoo. It's a phoenix on my wrist — pretty symbolic given the whole identity crisis I've been having lately.

Sarah and I were having pizza Saturday evening, and I just decided that it needed to be done that day. I drew an outline, and the artist, after a couple tries, got it right.

I really love the design, too. That is, I loved it until a friend pointed out that is looks like a "fire-breathing vagina."

Note to self: Always get tattoo designs vetted by a straight guy before having them permanently inked.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

So I finally took some time for myself this weekend. I took a personal day on Monday, and I spent three days with two of the people I am closest to in the world. I spent time in both Columbia, Mo., and Springfield, Mo., and I was able to vent/relax/say things that needed to be said - both to myself and to other people. It was fabulous!

To Sarah and Ryan - I hope you both see this, and I hope you both know and understand that I will forever be grateful to you both. And just in case I ever forget about how good it felt to do something for ME for a change, all I have to do is look at my wrist and the new tattoo of the phoenix. It's a permanent reminder that I, too, can rise from my own ashes and soar.

I truly love you both!

(More on the new tattoo later!)

Waking up with a gorgeous man

No, it didn't happen this morning. At least, not that way.

I decided late last week that I was getting the hell out of St. Louis for a few days. Nothing big, I just needed a few days to myself. Even though yesterday at work was nothing short of horrible, I did manage to leave the Lou by 7 p.m.

The weekend started well enough with an apparently faulty gas pump that only charged me $13.07 to fill my tank. I suppose I should have told the attendant that it undercharged me by about $17, but I figured what the hell... This is MY weekend!

I decided to visit my oldest and dearest friend in the world, and we sat up last night watching the movie "Knocked Up." It truly was a lovely experience.

Then this morning, while I was half-awake on the couch with my head turned and my mouth open, I notice her dog - her big, BIG dog, Hank - coming toward me.

Meet Hank:



Still being in my groggy state, I didn't really react much - OK, at all - to the approaching ubercanine. Not, that is, until he licked me in my open mouth. That pretty much woke me right the hell up!

No worries, though. I love dogs, and Hank is a sweetheart!

I guess the lesson here is to never eat a whole bag of Funyuns by yourself. Nothing good ever comes of that.

Kathleen Turner's new friends!

My friend Kevin posted this on MySpace earlier... too funny!

Heath Ledger speaks

In 2006, St. Louis Post-Dispatch film critic Joe Williams interviewed the late actor Heath Ledger. The audio from that interview is on the Post-Dispatch website.

Moment of Truth, final

As in, the final time I watch it. Jesus, could it be any more slow or boring?

AWESOME! FREE ART!

My friend Erica just pointed me in the direction of an artist who paints and then gives away - for free! - the cutest works. Of course, she accepts donations... So if you order one, you definitely should pay her something.

Her name is Ali Spagnola, and you should check out her stuff.

Moment of Truth, part 3

Thank God the first contestant got bounced. Not only is he a perv (not that there is anything wrong with that!), but he is a lying perv!

Moment of Truth, part 2

Halfway through the show, and things are not getting any better. I'm not a TV person, really, and this is starting to prove to me that I am right. WAY TOO SLOOOWWWWWWWW...

Moment of Truth

A few minutes into the new Fox TV game show, I have to say that I am not impressed. Too much time in between questions, too much manufactured drama on finding out if an answer is true or not. Ugh. Hope it gets better.

Thar she blows!

Holy cetacean, Batman! Kathleen Turner better watch out: Japan will be dispatching a fleet of ships shortly to shoot her in the name of "scientific research."