The rules

I was explaining the Lewtonian Physics to my friend Landon the other night, and it occurred to me that perhaps I should share them with the world. I can't claim authorship of all these laws, but they all have some reference to me:

LAW 1: An object at rest tends to stay at rest until introduced to the presence of alcoholic beverages, at which point it goes into motion until it either meets an immovable object or ruins a close personal friendship.

LAW 2: The velocity of your ineptitude, multiplied by the degree of your intent, equals utter destruction.

LAW 3: If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

Law 1 was first theorized by my friends Mike and Tim, after many years of observation of me.

Law 2 was first theorized by my friends Jerod, Andrew, Matt and me at a fast-food joint in central Missouri after a float trip in Eminence, Mo. Another of our friends had decided to hide the key to his girlfriend's car so no one could mess with his stuff. hid it so well, in fact, that he couldn't find it and was stuck waiting for HOURS for a locksmith.

Law 3 was first theorized after a night on the East Side with my friends Jerod, Kevin and Gabe. We had left a trashy bar and were heading home when I decided to make a left turn. Problem is, there was no street there, just a curb and a bank parking lot. I remembered the event, but Gabe didn't. In his book, it never happened.