Ever wonder what the hell is going on?

So do I.

I'm finding myself in a terrible rut right now, and I don't know why.

Now, granted, I have a lot of stuff going on.

My stepfather has an as-yet-unidentified illness in his lungs. Neither of the mostly likely diagnoses have him living much longer. And while he and I have not always seen eye-to-eye, and while I have at times both hated and feared him, the fact remains that for nearly 21 years, he has been the closest thing to a father I've had.

Work really sucks right now. I'm not going to go into specifics, strictly because this is an open blog.

Of course, my romantic life has been nonexistent.

And I'm getting tired of the first thing that comes out of people's mouths to me being, "Is everything OK? You look really down."

While I was driving home to Hannibal last night (driving time is my "think-about-things-and-unwind time), I was lucky enough to have a conversation with a friend about the effects of depression. I've suffered from depression in the past, and I don't want to go back down that road.

I can't neglect, though, the fact that I do think it is happening again.

Trouble sleeping over the last few months... General feeling of blah... Lack of appetite at times... Drinking too much... Mood swings... Nightmares and daydreams about death... All classic signs.

So I decided that I am going to call my doctor this week about an antidepressant. After spending more than two years on medication before, I can't say that I am thrilled about it.

Thursday night, though, I got a real eye-opener. A dear friend of mine pointed out that I have been neglectful in that relationship. (Mind you, this conversation was happening moments after a STUPID fight with another dear friend.) She also pointed out that while I have fucked up - a LOT - I am not a fuckup.

I think that if I were to ignore all the things that are happening in my life right now and the symptoms of depression that are mounting, I would be going beyond fucking up and into the realm of being a fuckup.

Anyhow, I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I will keep trudging along.