Could it really have happened?

Once again, I had a night relatively free of sleep. Not that I wasn't tired, mind you; I was exhausted. And sober. (Well, I had 5 or 6 drinks over the course of several hours, but God knows that's not a lot for me.)

Anyhow, I had written a couple weeks ago about having some giant realization on the horizon that I couldn't quite identify. I'm not so sure that it didn't become painfully clear while I was starting to drift off. And when it did, it woke me right the hell up.

I'm not ready to put it here yet. I don't even know if I am ready to express it yet at all. Once I have processed, though, I will share. It's something else.

The more things change ...

Even when things appear to be clearing up, there are plenty of clouds that roll back in, darkening the horizon.

I've made some huge realizations lately, but it's so hard, even though I know them to be true, to actually believe them. It's so hard for me, once I identify a problem, to then begin taking steps to correct it. There's such a long way to go, that it's hard to believe I ever can reach the end. Regardless, I must try...

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther . . . . And then one fine morning — So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

From F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby." If you haven't read it, read it. If you haven't read it lately, read it again soon.

Important words

I know it's weird that I am posting the words of a prayer at 3 a.m., but for some reason, this just came to me. Had a couple of realizations tonight, the biggest of which is that I deserve to be happy, too, dammit... But that will never happen unless I am happy with myself. I've got a lot of work to do, but (to sound totally cliche) a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. To that end, I leave you with words attributed to St. Francis of Assisi, a 13th Century Italian monk:

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Sweet dreams to all!

Friends make life worth living

I'm sitting here, getting ready for bed, and I can't help but think about an e-mail forward my friend Lauren sent me, well, it has to be more than a year ago. Normally, I don't pay much attention to e-mail forwards, but this one has stuck with me.

It was all about three types of friends: friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime.

FRIENDS FOR A REASON

Friends for a reason are the people who pop into your life at a moment when you exactly need them. They may be close or not close, but they are in your life to teach you something or to help you make some realization about life or just to get you through a rough patch.

These friendships won't last long; they may end well, or they may end poorly. But by knowing these people, you come away with some better knowledge of life.

FRIENDS FOR A SEASON

Friends for a season are friends for a period of your life. It could be weeks or months or even years, but when that part of your life is over, so is the friendship.

These friends come into your life, often with great fanfare, and then they leave your life, most often on Sandberg's "little cat feet."

FRIENDS FOR A LIFETIME

Friends for a lifetime are just that: They are the people who always will be with you. More family than friend, they see you at your best and at your worst. They don't judge you for your faults. In fact, your faults are part of why they love you. You both know that no matter what, nothing you ever could do would destroy that friendship.

Sometimes, they start slowly; sometimes, they start quickly. They never end.

In my life, I've had a lot of friends for a reason. Not all of them have been good. I've always tried to keep an open mind with all of my friends (God knows, no one can do it all the time), so I would like to think that I have learned and grown as a result of all my relationships with my friends for a reason.

I've had even more friends for a season. I thought that many of them were friends for a lifetime, but I was wrong. In most all the cases, I didn't even realize the friendships were over until it was too late. Looking back, I am sad about some, but I really am content with the way most ended.

Friends for a lifetime, though, are the friends with whom I truly have been blessed. I'm not going to name any names, but these people keep me going every day.

Some have known me since college, some have known me for the better part of a decade, some have known me a few years and some have known me for only a few months. In every case, I have total faith that they all will be with me as long as I am alive.

All this really resonated with me after this weekend, when I had so many different groups of my friends together. Rarely have I ever felt so loved and special. It was such a deeply moving experience for me, being surrounded by so many phenomenal people. The fact that it happened during what has been a professionally and personally trying time made it even more amazing.

Not all of my friends were there, but everyone who was made it amazing in their own way. It's one of those memories I will carry with me.

For a lifetime.