A great feeling

A friend said something to me the other day - well, he actually texted it to me - that stopped me dead in my tracks and made me so incredibly grateful to have him in my life. And not just him, either, but all the people that I hold dear.

Things with me at work have been pretty hectic, you see, what with the election and all. I volunteered to do the front page for some stupid reason. It ended up being quite an ordeal, but the result was pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

On election day, as I was headed to work, this friend, who knew how much I had been stressing out and who had seen the prototypes, texted me, saying, "You're gonna do GREAT, girl! Can't wait to see it!"

That was the start of what was a great night. But that wasn't the text that really got to me.

The next day, when I told him how we had sold out the run of the press and had printed 40,000 copies of an extra edition, he texted me, "Awesome!! I am SO PROUD of you!" And that's what blew me away.

I so rarely hear that from many people. My best friend S. says it to me a lot, and I love her dearly for it. But this was the first time recently that I can recall someone else saying it. I know it's sort of egotistical to think about stuff like that, but when someone that I hold dear and care a lot about and am quite proud of myself takes time to say that to me, well, it sticks with me. And makes me think about all the people I love and am proud of and about how I hope they know that.

But it also does something else... I mean, if someone else is proud of me, then surely, when I have done good work, it's OK for me to be proud of myself, right? I always feel guilty indulging feelings like that, but in this instance, I feel like it's all right.

And I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.

It's been a while...

But here I am again!

I just got back from a mini-vacation at the Lake of the Ozarks with one of my best friends and some family and friends, and it was AMAZING! Granted, my liver has again suffered irreparable damage, but you will have that on occasion!

I did a lot of fun things, saw some things I NEVER thought I'd see and had what was quite simply one of the best times of my life. Certainly the best vacation of my adult life!

The last month-and-a-half or so have been interesting. Several doors apparently have closed in my life, but Providence has opened many windows in their place.

Work certainly is becoming more interesting as I move back into the night news side. At first, I was pissed about that, but I am becoming much more excited. I know it will work out well.

In all, life is pretty good, and I am doing my best to enjoy it!

Anyhow, back to cleaning and watching some CSPAN coverage of the Democrat convention!

Oh well...

I was going to tell everyone tonight the story of my awesome weekend; however, work decided to intervene.

And I was going to do it right now, but I have a freelance project to hurry up and finish. Except that I think I really am going to go to bed while I have the chance. Another half-hour, and I think I will be starting a few days of insomnia.

So good night!

Ever wonder what the hell is going on?

So do I.

I'm finding myself in a terrible rut right now, and I don't know why.

Now, granted, I have a lot of stuff going on.

My stepfather has an as-yet-unidentified illness in his lungs. Neither of the mostly likely diagnoses have him living much longer. And while he and I have not always seen eye-to-eye, and while I have at times both hated and feared him, the fact remains that for nearly 21 years, he has been the closest thing to a father I've had.

Work really sucks right now. I'm not going to go into specifics, strictly because this is an open blog.

Of course, my romantic life has been nonexistent.

And I'm getting tired of the first thing that comes out of people's mouths to me being, "Is everything OK? You look really down."

While I was driving home to Hannibal last night (driving time is my "think-about-things-and-unwind time), I was lucky enough to have a conversation with a friend about the effects of depression. I've suffered from depression in the past, and I don't want to go back down that road.

I can't neglect, though, the fact that I do think it is happening again.

Trouble sleeping over the last few months... General feeling of blah... Lack of appetite at times... Drinking too much... Mood swings... Nightmares and daydreams about death... All classic signs.

So I decided that I am going to call my doctor this week about an antidepressant. After spending more than two years on medication before, I can't say that I am thrilled about it.

Thursday night, though, I got a real eye-opener. A dear friend of mine pointed out that I have been neglectful in that relationship. (Mind you, this conversation was happening moments after a STUPID fight with another dear friend.) She also pointed out that while I have fucked up - a LOT - I am not a fuckup.

I think that if I were to ignore all the things that are happening in my life right now and the symptoms of depression that are mounting, I would be going beyond fucking up and into the realm of being a fuckup.

Anyhow, I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I will keep trudging along.

The Internet is down

At least, at work it was down all day. Funny how dependent we have become on the World Wide Web.

I never had an online connection at my old apartment, nor did I have cable. I kind of liked having a hideaway from the world. But I always was able to access the Net from work.

Not having that today was bizarre. Everyone was walking around like zombies; no one knew what to do.

I hope they get the connection back up soon, at least for the sake of the people working the night side tonight. Having to actually *gasp* walk to someone's desk and talk to them rather than use an instant messenger is horrible!