Moving on

My ex-wife got married again yesterday, and I am ecstatic for her. At least, I think she got married. It was supposed to happen yesterday, and I haven't heard anything contrary.

While I am ecstatic for her, I can't help but be a little sad and scared, too. Sad because it really and finally brings to a close a part of my life that while painful, was powerfully significant. Scared because I think there always has been this little piece of me that thought, "Well, if nothing else, if you both are incredibly lonely, I bet she would take you back."

I've never thought that I would want that, nor have I ever thought that she would want that. I guess I have to use a baseball analogy here to explain. A lot of eighth-inning setup pitchers are lights-out. Then, when they try to be closers, they bomb. Why? A lot of people think it has to do with the fact that when you are a set-up man, there always is someone behind you. When you are the closer, it's just you.

So I guess it's time to take the mound, close out the game of life that I've been playing and get ready to hit the field another day!

Where were you exactly nine years ago?

Not many of us likely will be able to answer that question. I can, though.

Nine years ago, at this very moment, I was in my bed at the first house that my ex-wife and I rented, staring at the ceiling. I was nervous as hell, because in less than 10 hours, I would be married.

It's funny how things work out. I laid there that night praying - begging, really - for the strength to be able to make the marriage work. A few short years later, I would be praying for the strength to end the marriage.

On one hand, I wish that things would have been different. I wish that I never had gotten to know her, then maybe both of our lives would have turned out a lot better. On the other hand, I am proud of the woman that she has become and am most assuredly blessed with the three children that we have together.

Was that time together easy? God, no! We had our ups and downs, our fights, our good times and bad... I held her hand through childbirth and I held her hand (and corralled two toddlers) in a triage room while she miscarried what would have been our third child.

While the marriage was ending, we couldn't stand to be around each other. I reminded her that she was now "damaged goods" as she put it, and she reminded me that I once again had not lived up to expectations.

After we finally separated, we were both very flippant about things, acting as if being divorced was the most normal thing in the world. When she finally met someone that she fell in love with, things turned bad, and I am glad that they did. It finally gave us both the distance and closure that we needed.

We've worked through all that now, and I think we actually get along better now than we ever did. We are candid and frank with each other, we laugh, we disagree... We're adults, really. And it is amazing.

Things really have changed in the last decade or so, and I think it all is for the better.

In a few more weeks, she will be getting married again, and I am so happy for her. She deserves happiness. I wish I could be there, but I totally understand the awkwardness that would create.

Anyhow, Tobra, I wish you all the luck in the world. To borrow your phrase, "Happy Unniversary!"

A simple gift

I've spent the past few minutes with tears in my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, they are not tears of sadness. Rather, I've been moved by a touching gesture by my friends Gabe and James. The silly bitches bought me a charm bracelet watch at Target that has Zac Efron's face on it, along with the "High School Musical 2" logo.

It's a simple gift, to be sure, but one that totally touched me.

I feel sometimes like I completely give myself away, to the point, often, that I don't even have a piece of myself left to hold on to. And in the moments of weakness when I need me, I don't have it. Often in those moments, I do something stupid or rude or hateful or embarrassing or inappropriate and end up feeling like a huge asshole. Then I feel like everyone is going to abandon me, but in reality, I have abandoned myself.

I've been trying the last few days to let my anger at myself go, to forgive myself for things that really did not bring about the end of the world. And to get the invitation to come hang out tonight and then receiving such a simple little homo gift really cemented (I hope it's that permanent, anyhow) in me the fact that my friends do love me, and that they will be there for me. Not just for me... With me.

This isn't the only gift I've received lately, either. Andrea a couple weeks ago gave me some magnets that were naked men wearing only strategically placed oven mitts. And Carrie has sent me some cards in the past couple months that truly made me smile. Jimmy invited me to his place to have a glass of wine sometime. Landon wanted me to have a cigarette with him, but I was downtown getting my watch. Sarah tells me nearly every single day that she loves me.

All these things really are gifts, precious ones at that, because of their simplicity. That's why I am attaching these two videos to this post. The song in both is "Simple Gifts," an old Shaker dance song from the 19th century.

The song was really popularized by Aaron Copland in the score for the ballet "Appalachian Spring." The video above is his orchestration of the song, with pictures taken by Ansel Adams. The video below is the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles singing the song.

Life truly is beautiful when you can appreciate the simple things.

Lyrics:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

Feeling pretty lucky

I'm sitting at home. The TV is on but playing softly, and all the lights are off. It's incredibly peaceful, and I'm having some quite reflection time.

It's amazing, really.

I have to say that, in this moment, I feel truly blessed.

I have the three most wonderful children in the world. They are smart, kind, funny and empathetic, and they make me incredibly happy whenever I am around them or whenever I talk to them.

And I have a group of friends that are amazing. They stand by me, loving and supporting me. Truly me, with all my positive traits, as well as all my faults, and I cannot thank them enough.

I don't know why I felt the need to post this. It just came to me, and I felt like sharing.