When you have nothing else...

...you're left with faith. For me, having faith is a tough pill to swallow. Mostly, I think, because I believe that faith in anything starts with having faith in yourself. At least, I always have thought that.

But maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's exactly the opposite. Maybe you need to be willing to have faith to finally start having faith in yourself. Who knows.

I am finally starting to have some faith. Not in God or any of that (Sorry, I am not trying to write anything at all metaphysical here!). I am talking in people.

I have faith in the handful of people who always have stood by me no matter what.

I have faith that all the unpleasantness in a few relationships that I am dealing with will resolve themselves.

I have faith that all the sacrifices I have made and that I have asked my kids to make will work out for the best.

I have faith that by letting go and only focusing on what I can do for me I will begin to find some release.

I have faith...

Ok, so maybe not entirely. That's one of the beautiful parts of faith, though... It doesn't ever start out perfect and unwavering. It must be built. And maybe my allowing myself to start this foundation of faith, I can build a tower of faith in myself.

And if not, I am going to borrow a phrase that I heard from an AA sponsor... "If you don't have faith, fake it 'til you make it."

Exhausted!

It's been a long weekend, but one that I truly loved. I got my kids (it involved a lot of driving, but it was very much worth it), and we had a blast! We spent time with my mom's family on Saturday, swimming and having a general good time with 13 of her siblings and a shit-ton of my cousins.

Sunday was spent at mom's house, with me at the grill, naturally. Elijah and played catch for quite a while in the afternoon while the girls helped mom weed her flower beds.

In all, there really was nothing too exciting that happened, but just being there with them made it entirely special.

I hate that I won't see them again until late June, but I'm sure we'll all make the best of it!

And so it is...

...that things are changing. That's the one constant in life: It never remains the same.

It's the same way in soap operas; when two characters finally get to a place where all there issues are resolved and they are ready to live peacefully, they are written off the show. Why? No one watching soap operas to see a lack of drama.

In real life, drama drives people away. I've been told a lot recently that I have done a lot to creat drama in peoples' lives. And perhaps I have. No, in fact, I will admit that. I have done a lot to create drama.

Was it intentional? No. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened. It also doesn't change the fact that some of these same people have done a lot to interject drama into my life, as well. Did they mean to do it? I don't think so.

Fact is, I think everyone acts with the best of intentions with the best information they have available to them at the time. But life is not perfect. Shit happens, etc.

I am in an incredible state of flux right now. My roommate is moving out (I can't blame him, he really is getting a sweet deal, but that doesn't change the fact that it still hurts and makes me angry and that I keep getting this impression from our friends that I was the last person to know about it), one of my best friends is moving away (I can't blame him, either, inasmuch as the last few months have been more than rocky), and the one person I ever, I think, have truly been in love with finally is out of my life (not by his choice, but by mine; I can't take it anymore - I just hope that I am strong enough to hold myself to it!). I can't help any of those facts. I can just help me. So I have decided to NOT sit at home and mope. I have decided TO go on living.

I am pretty sure that I have a new roommate lined up to stay with me in this apartment that I love. I am re-establishing connections with friends that I have let slide away over the last year or so. I am reclaiming me, for no one BUT me.

I get to have my kids this weekend, and that thought is more than helping me through this; it really is propelling me!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday weekend, and I look forward to writing more about the fun times that I know I will be having!

P.S. I totally realize that the sixth graph of this post contains what is quite possibly the longest sentence that I ever have written. Tough shit. I couldn't write it any other way. To quote Eddie Murphy, "If you don't like it Lillian, you can get the fuck out."

Finally catching up!

RULES - Post rules before giving the facts - Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves - People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules - At the end of the your blog you need to tag three people and list their names - Leave them a comment on their blog, telling them they have been tagged and not to forget to read your blog.

1-I never have seen an ocean. Yes, this is sad. Even more sad is the fact that I am going to need one of my besties to be there with me when I finally do see one because I most likely am going to lose it. Seriously. That much openness and space... It truly will be overwhelming.

2-I hate tomatoes, but I used to love them. I don't remember this, of course, but my mother tells me that when I was a wee young lad of 4, we went to the Mississippi River on a hot summer day, and I ate more than my fair share of cherry tomatoes. To the point that I threw up. She tells me that since that day, I have refused to eat them. The only single exception that I can think of is the time that my good friend James, who is a chef, cooked a very nice meal for the two of us, but one of the first courses was a tomato/fresh mozzerrela plate... It looked so good, and he definitely had brushed off his French knife skills, so I felt obligated to eat it. And let me tell you, it was a chore... It's a shame that it looked SO GOOD!

3-I love to be naked in the dark and in water. I don't care if it's skinny dipping in a lake or river or just showering in the dark, it's amazing. This is aided by the fact that our bathroom is without windows, so I can be in complete darkness in the water every single day - and I am at least 4 mornings a week. (I shower every day, bitches, I just don't always do it in the dark... It ruins how special the moment is if you do it every day!)

4-I’m the oldest child among my blood-related siblings, and it shows. It's amazing, though, that my best friend in the world is the youngest of her siblings. I thought we weren't supposed to get along! Nonetheless, phone calls to her mother have been made at 2 in the a.m. just to proclaim our love for her!

5-I only have one gay friend that I can trust who loves me totally and completely. Don't get me wrong... I have a LOT of gay male friends; however, I only trust one of them to love me and be there for me no matter what. I don't think he reads this, though. Thank God I shared this fact with him Friday night. I am trying with all my might to love and trust a handful of others, but I am having a hard time convincing myself that I am worthy of having their friendship.

6-Watching Elijah boast about the fact that I taught him some batting tips between games during a baseball tournament over the weekend that paid off (he went 3-for-4 with 4 total RBIs after I talked to him!) was one of the single greatest moments of my life.

7- I have absolutely no desire to live past the age of 50... Which means that I have a little more 18 years to cram as much living into my life as I can!

8-I have lost nearly 90 lbs. The fact that my ex-wife shared pictures with me over the weekend convinced me to be proud of this. I saw myself cutting Elijah's umbilical cord, and it blew me away. I kept asking myself, "Who is that fat man with my baby?"

OK, now... I actually am going to call out 4 people for this one... DJB, JF, ES and CM, get your asses in gear and share with the world!

Oh well...

I was going to tell everyone tonight the story of my awesome weekend; however, work decided to intervene.

And I was going to do it right now, but I have a freelance project to hurry up and finish. Except that I think I really am going to go to bed while I have the chance. Another half-hour, and I think I will be starting a few days of insomnia.

So good night!

Some goals

I've decided that, in order to move forward and really start making changes in my life, I first need to identify what is most wrong and set some goals to change them. I'm not saying that my life is a big clusterfuck, because, well, it's not. I've got a good job, good friends, a nice place to live, and, most importantly, a GREAT relationship with my children. But that does not mean there isn't room for improvement.

PROBLEM: Spending too much time with the same people over and over again.
GOAL: Make it a point to reach out to other friends and include them in my life. I know that some of my friends have become discontent lately with the fact that I haven't spent much time with them. And others have become discontent, as well, that I have been spending too much time with them. Somewhere there has to be a happy balance, and I need to find it.

PROBLEM: Going out WAY too much.
GOAL: There are a few here, actually.
1. Read more. I used to devour books (not literally, though if I did it certainly would explain how I got to be so damned fat). Lately, I am luck if I read one every couple months or so. My goal is to read at least two a month now.
2. Go to the gym. I've done really well working out. I've lost weight and been able to increase my strength and cardio conditioning. I really am proud of myself for that. I can do better, though. I want to lose another 25 pounds by the time I have my kids for vacation in mid-July. I've never been to a water park, simply because I am embarrassed to have my shirt off in public. I want that to change. I want to take them to a water park and have a great time. Hell, even if we can't do a water park, I want to be able to take them to a public pool.
3. Knit more. I love knitting. I really do. Yes, yes... I know this makes me way too gay; I don't give a shit. It's so relaxing. I want to make at least one project this year for all of my closest friends.
4. Spend more time with family. Ugh. I can't believe I am saying this, but I really have been neglectful of my family. Even with spending more time with my mother during my stepfather's illness (that we still have no clue what the hell it is), I can do better. I can go home randomly. I can call more.

PROBLEM: Poor mental health.
GOAL: I've taken a big step toward alleviating this problem simply by getting on Wellbutrin, but medication alone will not fix everything. I must change behaviors. So I going to tell myself everyday to stop worrying and to stop catastrophizing (not a word, I know) every problem that does come up. Not all problems are going to be fixed in a day. Or a week. Or hell, maybe not even in a lifetime. But I have to trust that the people who love me always will love me, no matter what. I've realized lately just how many people do love me, and it means the world; it truly does. Now I just have to accept that and let them love me. I had a huge revelation while talking to my friend Sarah (who will be officially older than me in 45 minutes) the other day: Not all the problems and blame that I put upon myself need to be there. I didn't make any of the people who have hurt me do it. It's their fault. I can let go of the guilt and let in the love. It's not going to be easy changing 31 years of behavior, but I can get there if I start taking baby steps.

PROBLEM: Loneliness.
GOAL: I am not making finding a boyfriend a goal here. I think that would be self-defeating, because having someone else in my life will not solve my problems. What I am making a goal is to be the kind of person that someone would want to have for a boyfriend and then trusting fate to take care of things. And I am making it a goal to actually put myself out there a little bit. I have this bad habit of saying no for people; I can't do that. If they say no, then so be it. Their loss. I also am resolving to stop being "easy." Now, I think we all have slipups and sleep with people we regret. I need to minimize that and if it happens not beat myself up.

Can I do all of these things? Not tomorrow. I can start trying, though. One phrase that I learned from my stints going to AA meetings has stuck with me: Progress, not perfection. As long as I keep moving forward, I can't stay stuck where I am.

Quite a turnaround

For as insanely and hideously awful as last week was, this week has been quite the opposite.


I previously wrote about Chris coming for a visit early in the week. It was so nice to see him. Any time someone travels to spend time with me, it makes me feel good. And Chris really is a good person, too. For example, Monday night we were at home, and Landon messaged me to see if I had, by chance, a hacksaw to cut a dowel rod. I didn't, of course, but I did have an assload of old knives that would do the trick. Since Landon had been a bit under the weather for the previous couple days, Chris took it upon himself to handle the "sawing" himself. Right up to cutting his finger open.


That's just like Chris, though, to take on anything to help someone, even a relative stranger. I was sad when he had to leave on Tuesday morning, and I can't wait to see the photos he took in the parks.

Tuesday, my ex-wife called me and told me that she had around 30 rolls of film that we had taken over the time we were dating and married developed and was going to give me CDs of them all. I cried a little over the fact that she thought enough of me still to do that. I am quite grateful to her for it.

Also Tuesday, Landon, Jerod and I went out for a couple pitchers of beer (and then on to another bar for a bucket of beer... ugh...). It was the first time the three of us had hung out together since last summer, and it was such a good time. There had been a lot of awkwardness over things since then, and it was nice to see that erased. I really count on them both more than even I sometimes realize.


And it's just nice in general that since Jerod has graduated, there has been such a relief of tension. It feels like my brother has returned after a long journey.


I also found resolution in the situation involving a friend that I wrote about Saturday. It's funny that such a horrible situation actually stems from not wanting to hurt the other's feelings. We both let some things bottle up inside us instead of actually expressing when we were angry at each other at the moment. So then that anger just came pouring out at the most inopportune time. We've vowed to not let that happen again, and I think our friendship will be stronger for it.

In all, it's been a time of great growth, and I hope it continues.

Wow.

I saw this story today about a group of THIRD GRADERS who were plotting to attack and stab their teacher, and it just blows me away. My oldest is in second grade now, and I can't even fathom the possibility of him having thoughts like this in another year. Just wow.

Some adorable pictures

My ex-wife this morning sent me some photos of the kids that she had taken over the course of the last week or so while they were on spring break. Heidi's chapped lips aside, I think they are more beautiful than I can begin to express!

Thanks, T.

Feeling pretty lucky

I'm sitting at home. The TV is on but playing softly, and all the lights are off. It's incredibly peaceful, and I'm having some quite reflection time.

It's amazing, really.

I have to say that, in this moment, I feel truly blessed.

I have the three most wonderful children in the world. They are smart, kind, funny and empathetic, and they make me incredibly happy whenever I am around them or whenever I talk to them.

And I have a group of friends that are amazing. They stand by me, loving and supporting me. Truly me, with all my positive traits, as well as all my faults, and I cannot thank them enough.

I don't know why I felt the need to post this. It just came to me, and I felt like sharing.

Incredible Pizza!

Here are the pics from this weekend... I had such a good time, and I know the kids did, too!

Heidi:



Elijah:



Hailey:



All three:



Elijah was bad, so Jerod cuffed him:



Elijah behind the wheel... scary that he is halfway there:



Heidi and I getting ready to hit the track:



Hailey and Landon at the starting line:



Hailey, Jimmy, Heidi, Elijah and Landon:

Whew!

So the pizza/fun adventure went VERY well!

The kids were pretty well-behaved, though they did put on a show — naturally! — for Jerod, Landon and Jimmy at Ultimate Pizza. Chris and Craig unfortunately could not make it, though.

We had a blast on go-karts and bumper cars, as well as playing games.

Jerod had to leave early, but Landon and Jimmy stuck around. In all, we played for about 3 hours after we ate. And then we got to have some nice conversation on the way home. Most all of which was about my friends. They both (especially Landon, though Hailey did express quite the affinity for Jimmy!) made some serious fans today. And, as always, they loved seeing "Uncle Jerod Pinocchio-Nose." What can I say... My kids have good taste!

I've got some great pictures, and I will be putting them up, most likely tomorrow night.

Language

Heidi just said she shot Elijah's titty. What the hell are they teaching kids in Oklahoma these days?

A new experience

I'm sort of nervous. I've got my kids in St. Louis, which always is an interesting experience, and I'm taking them to Ultimate Pizza for an afternoon of fun with my friends Jerod, Landon and Jimmy. Chris and Craig will be meeting us later. Nothing like six homos and three kids to tear up South County!

This queen vs. a Disney princess

As part of movie day with the kids, I am sitting right now watching "Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time." As I sit here, I have to wonder, is a second Cinderella sequel REALLY all that necessary?

As a child, I think every girl (and by girl, I of course, mean actual girls, as well as all future homos) in America had to be a fan of Cinderella. How could you not? Beautiful-but-downtrodden girl's fairy godmother comes to the rescue, transforms her for one night, where she is swept off her feet by a prince? The dress, the carriage, the dress, the glass slippers, the prince... Did I mention the dress? It melts the heart.

(Granted, the talking mice are more than a little disturbing, but hey, even I can look past vermin for a good romance story.)

Anyhow, I just find it, well, vulgar, that Disney would take such a charmingly simple and magical story and turn it into a damn franchise. Cinderella wasn't greedy. She didn't marry the prince for his money; she married the prince because she loved him. The Disney company, though, apparently has no reservations getting in bed with our bank accounts.

THESE GUYS make everything worthwhile!

Every trial and tribulation mean nothing, every joy and happiness pale in comparison... how I love my babies so!