Sometimes...

... sitting in the dark in a quiet apartment is the nicest thing in the world. Just sayin' ...

The thing about friendships...

.. is that they're supposed to be two-way streets. Not always all the time, but in moments of need, both parties can turn to each other.

Unfortunately, it's seemed to be pretty much a one-way street for me lately. That is, me dumping all my shit on other people.

I don't want that to come off as wrong, somehow. For the first time in my life, I've finally began to trust that some men in my life won't go away. Friends that I hold incredibly dear to me I finally believe are going to be there forever.

Is that a big deal? For me? Yes.

Do I know each of them on a truly deep level? Better than most people that they have known for a long time.

Nonetheless, as I watch them each go through times of upheaval and change in their lives, I can't help but wonder what I am doing wrong on some level. What is it that I am doing that won't let those people I love and trust (finally) the most turn to me?

I don't have an answer for that.

My initial reaction is to shut myself off even more. To stop letting myself be open for people, to stop letting people know what really is going on inside of me.

But I know that would be wrong.

I think, at the end of the day, I need to keep being me and to let other people's problems be their own. I just wish I could, if not be a part of the solution, be a part of the process that helps them find it.

Meantime, I will just pray repeatedly that they all know how much I love them and to what ends of the earth I would walk to help them all.