My ex-wife this morning sent me some photos of the kids that she had taken over the course of the last week or so while they were on spring break. Heidi's chapped lips aside, I think they are more beautiful than I can begin to express!
Thanks, T.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Some adorable pictures
My ex-wife this morning sent me some photos of the kids that she had taken over the course of the last week or so while they were on spring break. Heidi's chapped lips aside, I think they are more beautiful than I can begin to express!
Thanks, T.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A weird feeling
I got off the phone with my mom a bit ago, and it left me with a surreal feeling.
We, of course, were talking about my stepfather and his health. Monday is the big day in Kansas City; Bill's doctor is going to lay out everything and offer his recommendation for treatment.
In my life, I can't remember my mom ever asking me for anything. Of course, there was the occasional "grab some milk on your way home" and "can you pick me up a pack of cigarettes?" I'm talking about the real things. The important things. She's never asked.
Tonight, in her own way, she did. She asked me to go with her to Kansas City for the appointment.
She's had to stay in Hannibal and keep working while Bill has been seeing doctors across the state. It's been rough on her. I think she feels guilty that she hasn't been there for him, but she's also needed to keep working to pay the bills.
Of course I told her I would make every effort to be there with them both.
When I was in the hospital last month, mom didn't bat an eye. She just came down. I know she was exhausted, but still she came. The first night, when I was so drugged up, she spent the night with my cousin. Friday night, after my treatment, when the pain medicine went away and I was scared to death and lonely, she stayed in my room with me.
Of course, that's what parents do. It's what I would do for Elijah, Heidi or Hailey. But as we get older, I think we sometimes need to return the favor.
I'm terrified to go to Kansas City. To see Bill. I haven't seen him or really talked to him since the diagnosis became more clear. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
On Monday, I will be be with them both, finding out what the future holds for our family.
It's going to be a defining moment for me, I think, finding out whether or not I am strong enough to be able to go through with it. To find out whether or not I can be a rock for my mother while she watches her husband go through what is likely to be a life-ending illness.
I was thinking very hard the other night about how strange it feels that the patriarch of our family probably won't be around much longer and that very soon I will fill that role for my own kids. Not that I am not their father now, just that I will be the "top of the line." It's a very uneasy feeling for someone who continually has demonstrated his ability to make wrong, irresponsible decisions.
I interviewed for a job several years ago, and the managing editor at that paper told me the story of him asking his father for advice when he was unsure whether or not to propose to the woman he eventually married.
His father, he said, told him, "Son, a time comes when you have to be a man or an asshole."
For my mother's sake - and for mine - I hope she can see her son be a man.
We, of course, were talking about my stepfather and his health. Monday is the big day in Kansas City; Bill's doctor is going to lay out everything and offer his recommendation for treatment.
In my life, I can't remember my mom ever asking me for anything. Of course, there was the occasional "grab some milk on your way home" and "can you pick me up a pack of cigarettes?" I'm talking about the real things. The important things. She's never asked.
Tonight, in her own way, she did. She asked me to go with her to Kansas City for the appointment.
She's had to stay in Hannibal and keep working while Bill has been seeing doctors across the state. It's been rough on her. I think she feels guilty that she hasn't been there for him, but she's also needed to keep working to pay the bills.
Of course I told her I would make every effort to be there with them both.
When I was in the hospital last month, mom didn't bat an eye. She just came down. I know she was exhausted, but still she came. The first night, when I was so drugged up, she spent the night with my cousin. Friday night, after my treatment, when the pain medicine went away and I was scared to death and lonely, she stayed in my room with me.
Of course, that's what parents do. It's what I would do for Elijah, Heidi or Hailey. But as we get older, I think we sometimes need to return the favor.
I'm terrified to go to Kansas City. To see Bill. I haven't seen him or really talked to him since the diagnosis became more clear. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
On Monday, I will be be with them both, finding out what the future holds for our family.
It's going to be a defining moment for me, I think, finding out whether or not I am strong enough to be able to go through with it. To find out whether or not I can be a rock for my mother while she watches her husband go through what is likely to be a life-ending illness.
I was thinking very hard the other night about how strange it feels that the patriarch of our family probably won't be around much longer and that very soon I will fill that role for my own kids. Not that I am not their father now, just that I will be the "top of the line." It's a very uneasy feeling for someone who continually has demonstrated his ability to make wrong, irresponsible decisions.
I interviewed for a job several years ago, and the managing editor at that paper told me the story of him asking his father for advice when he was unsure whether or not to propose to the woman he eventually married.
His father, he said, told him, "Son, a time comes when you have to be a man or an asshole."
For my mother's sake - and for mine - I hope she can see her son be a man.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Bad boys, bad boys
So the cop involved in this video is being sued. Thank God.
And from Illinois, we have this story. I hope he spends a long time in prison.
And from Dallas, there is this story of jerkoff cops.
I've got a bit of a problem with authority, yes, but I think that when people in power abuse that power - even a little bit - it only reinforces the idea that "Big Brother" is out to get us.
And that's why I whole-heartedly support the idea of making penalties for law enforcement or other public official who break the law much more severe than they are for the rest of society.
Taking an oath to serve and protect should not be akin to having an excuse to go on an adrenaline-fueled power trip whenever you feel like it.
And from Illinois, we have this story. I hope he spends a long time in prison.
And from Dallas, there is this story of jerkoff cops.
I've got a bit of a problem with authority, yes, but I think that when people in power abuse that power - even a little bit - it only reinforces the idea that "Big Brother" is out to get us.
And that's why I whole-heartedly support the idea of making penalties for law enforcement or other public official who break the law much more severe than they are for the rest of society.
Taking an oath to serve and protect should not be akin to having an excuse to go on an adrenaline-fueled power trip whenever you feel like it.
Monday, March 17, 2008
On the subject of change
I made a pretty drastic change Saturday night in my appearance. I was getting ready to go out for the evening, and on a whim mentioned to my friend Landon that I was thinking of buzzing off my hair.
Landon, being the good and ever-supportive friend that he is, said, "Do it, girl!"
I did it.
And after much worry, I have to admit that the reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. Plus, I think that I actually kind of like it, myself.
I'll try to get a pic up tonight. Stay tuned!
Landon, being the good and ever-supportive friend that he is, said, "Do it, girl!"
I did it.
And after much worry, I have to admit that the reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. Plus, I think that I actually kind of like it, myself.
I'll try to get a pic up tonight. Stay tuned!
Changing times
It seems like life is in a constant state of upheaval lately; not just for me, but for several of my friends, as well.
A wake-up call for me at work a few weeks ago and news that my stepfather (in the best-case scenario) has about a 20% chance of survival have been weighing heavily on me. Not to mention the fact that I've really been struggling with some serious identity issues over the past few months, anyhow.
And I'm watching a couple people who are nearly as close to me as my skin go through similar ordeals. Both have been there for me whenever I've needed them, and both are pillars in my life. They are so incredibly strong; much, much stronger than either gives themselves credit for being.
I'm also watching some friends' careers and education taking off, and I am so proud of them.
My brother and his fiancee are preparing to be married later this year, and I am so proud of them both and of the new family they are going to build. My sister and her husband have welcomed a daughter into the world in the last year, and they are making a wonderful life for all their children.
Still, I can't help but wonder: Where am I going?
I know that with as much change as there is in my life and in the lives of those around me, something huge must be on the horizon.
All I can do is be patient and let life reveal itself to me. But anyone who knows me knows that patience is not a virtue for which I have much regard!
In the meantime, I remain eternally grateful for those who have been there to support me and eternally vigilant for the need to return the favor.
A wake-up call for me at work a few weeks ago and news that my stepfather (in the best-case scenario) has about a 20% chance of survival have been weighing heavily on me. Not to mention the fact that I've really been struggling with some serious identity issues over the past few months, anyhow.
And I'm watching a couple people who are nearly as close to me as my skin go through similar ordeals. Both have been there for me whenever I've needed them, and both are pillars in my life. They are so incredibly strong; much, much stronger than either gives themselves credit for being.
I'm also watching some friends' careers and education taking off, and I am so proud of them.
My brother and his fiancee are preparing to be married later this year, and I am so proud of them both and of the new family they are going to build. My sister and her husband have welcomed a daughter into the world in the last year, and they are making a wonderful life for all their children.
Still, I can't help but wonder: Where am I going?
I know that with as much change as there is in my life and in the lives of those around me, something huge must be on the horizon.
All I can do is be patient and let life reveal itself to me. But anyone who knows me knows that patience is not a virtue for which I have much regard!
In the meantime, I remain eternally grateful for those who have been there to support me and eternally vigilant for the need to return the favor.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Peaks and valleys
Not everything is life is fun and games. Work can be great, and it also can suck ass. Friendships are the same.
It's hard, sometimes, when things get rough, to fight the initial urge to just bail out and run.
I had a friend recently who pointed out one of my biggest flaws. He did it in a moment of anger, after we had exchanged a couple snarky comments. I was pouring shots for he, another friend and I, and when I brought the shots to them, they both said they didn't want them. The other friend told me to just do them all.
Well, Friend No. 1 turned to No. 2 and told her, "He's diabetic. He doesn't need to do that."
My initial reaction, thanks to the alcohol, came flying out: "No one tells me what I can or cannot do."
And then I walked out of the room. After doing the shots, of course.
Friend No. 2 eventually left, and No. 1 and I had what started out to be a very angry conversation about what had just transpired.
"You know when X (another friend, but he wasn't involved in this night) called you pretentious?" he asked. "It's because you're a know-it-all."
This time, though, I fought my initial urge, which was to get pissed off and leave, and instead I heard him out. He told me how I have made him feel like shit on certain occasions, and how it really hurt his feelings.
I humbled myself and apologized because I knew it to be true. I have a bad habit of not really letting people know who I am and of always keeping them at arm's distance. It's a defense mechanism because I don't think people will like me if they know the real me.
I also took the opportunity to express some of the things that this friend had done that had hurt my feelings, and we talked about why those things had happened. Best of all, we ended the conversation smiling and parted with a hug.
It was a very healthy give-and-take, and I woke up the next morning feeling completely relieved and refreshed and grateful that I had taken such a huge step of personal growth and that our friendship had become that much stronger.
Peaks and valleys all in one night, to be sure. But the funny part about climbing those peaks and descending into those valleys is the fact that each summit you top makes you that much stronger and that much more ready to climb the next one.
It's hard, sometimes, when things get rough, to fight the initial urge to just bail out and run.
I had a friend recently who pointed out one of my biggest flaws. He did it in a moment of anger, after we had exchanged a couple snarky comments. I was pouring shots for he, another friend and I, and when I brought the shots to them, they both said they didn't want them. The other friend told me to just do them all.
Well, Friend No. 1 turned to No. 2 and told her, "He's diabetic. He doesn't need to do that."
My initial reaction, thanks to the alcohol, came flying out: "No one tells me what I can or cannot do."
And then I walked out of the room. After doing the shots, of course.
Friend No. 2 eventually left, and No. 1 and I had what started out to be a very angry conversation about what had just transpired.
"You know when X (another friend, but he wasn't involved in this night) called you pretentious?" he asked. "It's because you're a know-it-all."
This time, though, I fought my initial urge, which was to get pissed off and leave, and instead I heard him out. He told me how I have made him feel like shit on certain occasions, and how it really hurt his feelings.
I humbled myself and apologized because I knew it to be true. I have a bad habit of not really letting people know who I am and of always keeping them at arm's distance. It's a defense mechanism because I don't think people will like me if they know the real me.
I also took the opportunity to express some of the things that this friend had done that had hurt my feelings, and we talked about why those things had happened. Best of all, we ended the conversation smiling and parted with a hug.
It was a very healthy give-and-take, and I woke up the next morning feeling completely relieved and refreshed and grateful that I had taken such a huge step of personal growth and that our friendship had become that much stronger.
Peaks and valleys all in one night, to be sure. But the funny part about climbing those peaks and descending into those valleys is the fact that each summit you top makes you that much stronger and that much more ready to climb the next one.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Wow!
Without a doubt, this is one of the funniest things I ever have seen. Thanks to my friend Trent for posting it as a note on his Facebook page and alerting me to it.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Holy. Shit.
Did you all see this? I mean, my God...
So if my *shudder to think about it* girlfriend decided to sit on the toilet for more than 20 minutes, I'm saying "Fuck it, I'm outta here." But TWO FUCKING YEARS?
Here's my question, though: How often did she flush?
Only in Kansas, man... Only in Kansas.
So if my *shudder to think about it* girlfriend decided to sit on the toilet for more than 20 minutes, I'm saying "Fuck it, I'm outta here." But TWO FUCKING YEARS?
Here's my question, though: How often did she flush?
Only in Kansas, man... Only in Kansas.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Third time is the charm!
Though I'd keep up today's string of music posts with one more video. This one is by the White Stripes. This is their song "You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)." It's a great cut from their "Icky Thump" album.
And one more...
This one isn't stuck in my head, but I was talking about it Sunday night and thought I'd post it for a big Wynonna fan I know.
Holy get-this-fucking-song-out-of-my-head, Batman!
I have this problem where if I get a song in my head, I have to listen to it all the way through to get it out. Sometimes, I have to listen to it over, and over, and over and over again.
This morning is was "Delta Dawn." There is NO WAY a 13-year-old girl should be singing this!
I swear to God, the must be a damn drag queen living in my head.
WATCH IT! SUFFER WITH ME!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Thank God for antidepressants
I got some news today that seems to solidify the fact that my stepfather has cancer. We're still not 100 percent sure, but the doctor apparently believes it to be the case.
It's such a weird emotional time for me. On the one had, I lived in absolute fear of him for a lot of years. On the other hand, he's the closest thing I have had to a father for the last 20+ years.
I don't know what to think. As soon as I got off the phone with mom tonight, I lost it. And I've pretty much been bawling my fucking eyes out all night since.
All I can say is that I have no clue what I would be doing right now if I didn't have the Wellbutrin.
It's such a weird emotional time for me. On the one had, I lived in absolute fear of him for a lot of years. On the other hand, he's the closest thing I have had to a father for the last 20+ years.
I don't know what to think. As soon as I got off the phone with mom tonight, I lost it. And I've pretty much been bawling my fucking eyes out all night since.
All I can say is that I have no clue what I would be doing right now if I didn't have the Wellbutrin.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Wednesday
Weather.com says it's supposed to be 63. Dave Murray says 70. I'm sure as hell hoping that Dave Murray is right.
Thank GOD!!!
I took a nice little walk this afternoon. Not for exercise, really, mind you. It was just an excuse to spend time with Landon's dog, Grady, who just might be my most favorite dog ever. I love dogs, but unfortunately, I am allergic to them; having one in my own house causes absolute misery. I know there are way around that, but when Jerod had his dog, Moe, here, I pretty much was stuffed up and wheezing all the time.
Anyhow, walking the dog is not the point.
Point is, while Grady and I were walking, I saw something that nearly made me weep. See those little yellow crocuses up there? They were in bloom this afternoon. Which means that THIS FUCKING HORRIBLE-ASS, PIECE OF SHIT WINTER IS ALMOST GONE!
Anyone who really knows me knows that I love winter and cold. I truly do. The snow, the brisk wind... all of it! (Come on, I'm fat and I sweat and there's only so much clothing I can take off during the summer!)
However, this winter has been miserable. It has been cold and snowy and icy off and on since November. Five months of winter is too much!
I can't wait for spring this year. I can't wait for green trees, flower beds bursting with color, Tower Grove Park bustling with life! It's going to be an amazing spring, I can tell.
Maybe it's just the Wellbutrin, but I don't really care. It's time to celebrate rebirth!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
By request
So I live in the gayborhood. At least, that's what my neighbor/bestie Landon calls the little area in which we live. It's one of those up-and-coming areas that has a lot of historic architecture and is being rehabbed to make it really nice.
We live in one of the buildings that has been totally rehabbed from the ground up. Granted, the exterior is not all that great, but the interiors are superb, particularly given the money that we are paying for rent.
Anyhow, it's a really nice little area.
Except, that is, for one four-family building across the street. It's the kind of place where you NEVER see any adults but about 86 children and teens coming and going at all hours. Loudly. It's pretty fucking annoying.
Not to mention the fact that people are always knocking on one of the doors, standing there while it's cracked just a bit, having a brief exchange and then leaving.
Normally this would not bother me. I am the kind of person who lets people do what they choose. I tend to mind my own business like that. Except for the fact that last year on July 4, one of the teens living there called me a "faggot" and threw a lit firecracker at my roommate and me.
Oh well... I guess it's good to know that if I need crack, it's 200 feet away.
We live in one of the buildings that has been totally rehabbed from the ground up. Granted, the exterior is not all that great, but the interiors are superb, particularly given the money that we are paying for rent.
Anyhow, it's a really nice little area.
Except, that is, for one four-family building across the street. It's the kind of place where you NEVER see any adults but about 86 children and teens coming and going at all hours. Loudly. It's pretty fucking annoying.
Not to mention the fact that people are always knocking on one of the doors, standing there while it's cracked just a bit, having a brief exchange and then leaving.
Normally this would not bother me. I am the kind of person who lets people do what they choose. I tend to mind my own business like that. Except for the fact that last year on July 4, one of the teens living there called me a "faggot" and threw a lit firecracker at my roommate and me.
Oh well... I guess it's good to know that if I need crack, it's 200 feet away.
The rules
I was explaining the Lewtonian Physics to my friend Landon the other night, and it occurred to me that perhaps I should share them with the world. I can't claim authorship of all these laws, but they all have some reference to me:
LAW 1: An object at rest tends to stay at rest until introduced to the presence of alcoholic beverages, at which point it goes into motion until it either meets an immovable object or ruins a close personal friendship.
LAW 2: The velocity of your ineptitude, multiplied by the degree of your intent, equals utter destruction.
LAW 3: If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
Law 1 was first theorized by my friends Mike and Tim, after many years of observation of me.
Law 2 was first theorized by my friends Jerod, Andrew, Matt and me at a fast-food joint in central Missouri after a float trip in Eminence, Mo. Another of our friends had decided to hide the key to his girlfriend's car so no one could mess with his stuff. hid it so well, in fact, that he couldn't find it and was stuck waiting for HOURS for a locksmith.
Law 3 was first theorized after a night on the East Side with my friends Jerod, Kevin and Gabe. We had left a trashy bar and were heading home when I decided to make a left turn. Problem is, there was no street there, just a curb and a bank parking lot. I remembered the event, but Gabe didn't. In his book, it never happened.
LAW 1: An object at rest tends to stay at rest until introduced to the presence of alcoholic beverages, at which point it goes into motion until it either meets an immovable object or ruins a close personal friendship.
LAW 2: The velocity of your ineptitude, multiplied by the degree of your intent, equals utter destruction.
LAW 3: If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
Law 1 was first theorized by my friends Mike and Tim, after many years of observation of me.
Law 2 was first theorized by my friends Jerod, Andrew, Matt and me at a fast-food joint in central Missouri after a float trip in Eminence, Mo. Another of our friends had decided to hide the key to his girlfriend's car so no one could mess with his stuff. hid it so well, in fact, that he couldn't find it and was stuck waiting for HOURS for a locksmith.
Law 3 was first theorized after a night on the East Side with my friends Jerod, Kevin and Gabe. We had left a trashy bar and were heading home when I decided to make a left turn. Problem is, there was no street there, just a curb and a bank parking lot. I remembered the event, but Gabe didn't. In his book, it never happened.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
What the hell?
So tonight, within about 4 minutes, I heard two Queen songs.
One was some trashy, robotic skank who sang "Who Wants to Live Forever," and the other was "You're My Best Friend" on some cruise ship commercial.
I got on YouTube, and I found my favorite Queen song, "Somebody to Love."
And believe it or not, but I used to be able to sing EVERY NOTE in this song!
Listen, bitches!
One was some trashy, robotic skank who sang "Who Wants to Live Forever," and the other was "You're My Best Friend" on some cruise ship commercial.
I got on YouTube, and I found my favorite Queen song, "Somebody to Love."
And believe it or not, but I used to be able to sing EVERY NOTE in this song!
Listen, bitches!
Feeling pretty lucky
I'm sitting at home. The TV is on but playing softly, and all the lights are off. It's incredibly peaceful, and I'm having some quite reflection time.
It's amazing, really.
I have to say that, in this moment, I feel truly blessed.
I have the three most wonderful children in the world. They are smart, kind, funny and empathetic, and they make me incredibly happy whenever I am around them or whenever I talk to them.
And I have a group of friends that are amazing. They stand by me, loving and supporting me. Truly me, with all my positive traits, as well as all my faults, and I cannot thank them enough.
I don't know why I felt the need to post this. It just came to me, and I felt like sharing.
It's amazing, really.
I have to say that, in this moment, I feel truly blessed.
I have the three most wonderful children in the world. They are smart, kind, funny and empathetic, and they make me incredibly happy whenever I am around them or whenever I talk to them.
And I have a group of friends that are amazing. They stand by me, loving and supporting me. Truly me, with all my positive traits, as well as all my faults, and I cannot thank them enough.
I don't know why I felt the need to post this. It just came to me, and I felt like sharing.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Day three
I am now on my third day of Wellbutrin, and I have to say that it appears to be making some difference. I wouldn't call it monumental or anything, but it definitely is helping.
The biggest drawback is the fact that I have been a bit jittery, but I think that will subside.
The biggest drawback is the fact that I have been a bit jittery, but I think that will subside.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Ever wonder what the hell is going on?
So do I.
I'm finding myself in a terrible rut right now, and I don't know why.
Now, granted, I have a lot of stuff going on.
My stepfather has an as-yet-unidentified illness in his lungs. Neither of the mostly likely diagnoses have him living much longer. And while he and I have not always seen eye-to-eye, and while I have at times both hated and feared him, the fact remains that for nearly 21 years, he has been the closest thing to a father I've had.
Work really sucks right now. I'm not going to go into specifics, strictly because this is an open blog.
Of course, my romantic life has been nonexistent.
And I'm getting tired of the first thing that comes out of people's mouths to me being, "Is everything OK? You look really down."
While I was driving home to Hannibal last night (driving time is my "think-about-things-and-unwind time), I was lucky enough to have a conversation with a friend about the effects of depression. I've suffered from depression in the past, and I don't want to go back down that road.
I can't neglect, though, the fact that I do think it is happening again.
Trouble sleeping over the last few months... General feeling of blah... Lack of appetite at times... Drinking too much... Mood swings... Nightmares and daydreams about death... All classic signs.
So I decided that I am going to call my doctor this week about an antidepressant. After spending more than two years on medication before, I can't say that I am thrilled about it.
Thursday night, though, I got a real eye-opener. A dear friend of mine pointed out that I have been neglectful in that relationship. (Mind you, this conversation was happening moments after a STUPID fight with another dear friend.) She also pointed out that while I have fucked up - a LOT - I am not a fuckup.
I think that if I were to ignore all the things that are happening in my life right now and the symptoms of depression that are mounting, I would be going beyond fucking up and into the realm of being a fuckup.
Anyhow, I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I will keep trudging along.
I'm finding myself in a terrible rut right now, and I don't know why.
Now, granted, I have a lot of stuff going on.
My stepfather has an as-yet-unidentified illness in his lungs. Neither of the mostly likely diagnoses have him living much longer. And while he and I have not always seen eye-to-eye, and while I have at times both hated and feared him, the fact remains that for nearly 21 years, he has been the closest thing to a father I've had.
Work really sucks right now. I'm not going to go into specifics, strictly because this is an open blog.
Of course, my romantic life has been nonexistent.
And I'm getting tired of the first thing that comes out of people's mouths to me being, "Is everything OK? You look really down."
While I was driving home to Hannibal last night (driving time is my "think-about-things-and-unwind time), I was lucky enough to have a conversation with a friend about the effects of depression. I've suffered from depression in the past, and I don't want to go back down that road.
I can't neglect, though, the fact that I do think it is happening again.
Trouble sleeping over the last few months... General feeling of blah... Lack of appetite at times... Drinking too much... Mood swings... Nightmares and daydreams about death... All classic signs.
So I decided that I am going to call my doctor this week about an antidepressant. After spending more than two years on medication before, I can't say that I am thrilled about it.
Thursday night, though, I got a real eye-opener. A dear friend of mine pointed out that I have been neglectful in that relationship. (Mind you, this conversation was happening moments after a STUPID fight with another dear friend.) She also pointed out that while I have fucked up - a LOT - I am not a fuckup.
I think that if I were to ignore all the things that are happening in my life right now and the symptoms of depression that are mounting, I would be going beyond fucking up and into the realm of being a fuckup.
Anyhow, I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I will keep trudging along.
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