A great feeling

A friend said something to me the other day - well, he actually texted it to me - that stopped me dead in my tracks and made me so incredibly grateful to have him in my life. And not just him, either, but all the people that I hold dear.

Things with me at work have been pretty hectic, you see, what with the election and all. I volunteered to do the front page for some stupid reason. It ended up being quite an ordeal, but the result was pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

On election day, as I was headed to work, this friend, who knew how much I had been stressing out and who had seen the prototypes, texted me, saying, "You're gonna do GREAT, girl! Can't wait to see it!"

That was the start of what was a great night. But that wasn't the text that really got to me.

The next day, when I told him how we had sold out the run of the press and had printed 40,000 copies of an extra edition, he texted me, "Awesome!! I am SO PROUD of you!" And that's what blew me away.

I so rarely hear that from many people. My best friend S. says it to me a lot, and I love her dearly for it. But this was the first time recently that I can recall someone else saying it. I know it's sort of egotistical to think about stuff like that, but when someone that I hold dear and care a lot about and am quite proud of myself takes time to say that to me, well, it sticks with me. And makes me think about all the people I love and am proud of and about how I hope they know that.

But it also does something else... I mean, if someone else is proud of me, then surely, when I have done good work, it's OK for me to be proud of myself, right? I always feel guilty indulging feelings like that, but in this instance, I feel like it's all right.

And I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.

Sometimes...

... sitting in the dark in a quiet apartment is the nicest thing in the world. Just sayin' ...

The thing about friendships...

.. is that they're supposed to be two-way streets. Not always all the time, but in moments of need, both parties can turn to each other.

Unfortunately, it's seemed to be pretty much a one-way street for me lately. That is, me dumping all my shit on other people.

I don't want that to come off as wrong, somehow. For the first time in my life, I've finally began to trust that some men in my life won't go away. Friends that I hold incredibly dear to me I finally believe are going to be there forever.

Is that a big deal? For me? Yes.

Do I know each of them on a truly deep level? Better than most people that they have known for a long time.

Nonetheless, as I watch them each go through times of upheaval and change in their lives, I can't help but wonder what I am doing wrong on some level. What is it that I am doing that won't let those people I love and trust (finally) the most turn to me?

I don't have an answer for that.

My initial reaction is to shut myself off even more. To stop letting myself be open for people, to stop letting people know what really is going on inside of me.

But I know that would be wrong.

I think, at the end of the day, I need to keep being me and to let other people's problems be their own. I just wish I could, if not be a part of the solution, be a part of the process that helps them find it.

Meantime, I will just pray repeatedly that they all know how much I love them and to what ends of the earth I would walk to help them all.

It's been a while...

But here I am again!

I just got back from a mini-vacation at the Lake of the Ozarks with one of my best friends and some family and friends, and it was AMAZING! Granted, my liver has again suffered irreparable damage, but you will have that on occasion!

I did a lot of fun things, saw some things I NEVER thought I'd see and had what was quite simply one of the best times of my life. Certainly the best vacation of my adult life!

The last month-and-a-half or so have been interesting. Several doors apparently have closed in my life, but Providence has opened many windows in their place.

Work certainly is becoming more interesting as I move back into the night news side. At first, I was pissed about that, but I am becoming much more excited. I know it will work out well.

In all, life is pretty good, and I am doing my best to enjoy it!

Anyhow, back to cleaning and watching some CSPAN coverage of the Democrat convention!

This really blows...

The hard drive on my Macbook has died. :(

I be back up and posting regularly (I hope) when it is repaired!

Screw Sprint

I destroyed my phone over the weekend. Well, not really destroyed it so much as dropped it into water. Which really sucks because, as most of you know, I am addicted to my phone. As in, I'm always either on it, texting on it, or using it to check e-mail or MySpace or Facebook. So not having it the last couple days has left me feeling naked.

Landon had suggested that I try putting it into the fridge overnight, so I did that Monday night. Late last night, I took it out and tried turning it on. (I'll say at this point that powering up is not a problem with it. In fact, the power button is the only one that works.) To my surprise, it actually worked. For a few minutes. I could use all the buttons and navigate through all the menus. Unfortunately, the fact that about 30 texts that I had missed over the previous few days all started coming through at once prevented my from getting the opportunity to actually use the damn thing. I didn't even get a chance to read all the texts as they were coming through. Why? because the piece of shit apparently shorted back out after about 4 minutes.

So I got online and searched for some tips to try to get the phone back up and working. Several sites suggested putting the phone in a bowl of rice. So I did that and put the whole thing back into the fridge. I'm waiting until tonight to check the results.

Meanwhile, I was not freaking out about this too much because as of June 1, I was due for a new phone from Sprint, anyhow. As soon as I got home from work yesterday, I got on Sprint's site and really checked out their new phone, the Instinct. It looks a lot like the iPhone, but everything I've read about the Instinct says that it's better in a lot of ways.

Anyhow, after checking it out and weighing the options and the cost (after the rebate, the Instinct is going to cost me about $70 less than an iPhone would), I went ahead and ordered the damn thing. Sprint accepted my payment and sent me a receipt saying that the phone would arrive in 2-4 business days.

Today, I went back to the Sprint site to check the status of the order, only to find out that the phone was backordered. WTF?

I called Sprint, and come to find out, they're out of stock and won't have any in for at least one week, possibly two. To me, that sounds more like 3 or 4. I feel sorry for the two women that I talked to, but eventually, out of the goodness of their hearts, they agreed to pony up $25 toward my account. Awwww.... How sweet.

So now I am waiting and seriously considering cancelling the order and still going with the iPhone. Meantime, I'm telling all my friends and anyone on the Internet who will listen: If you're looking for Instinct, don't look to Sprint.

Thank you all...

...for your comments on the previous post about my weight. It's good to feel loved!

I can't believe it

It's that time of year again when I gear up to be a counselor at Missouri Boys State. I leave in the morning to go teach citizenship, personal responsibility and a little bit of journalism to some of the finest young men Missouri has to offer.

This is my 15th year returning on the staff, and the 16th summer that I have spent in Warrensburg for the program. It's not always been easy. I've missed Father's Day every year, with the exception of the two years that my ex-wife brought my kids to the program. Those were truly highlights of my life.

And it seems that it gets to be a bit harder each year to commit to using the vacation time for the program. And each year I find myself dragging just a bit more than the previous year by the end of the week (hey, I'm not as young as I used to be!).

But when it's all said and done, it's nice to walk away from the week with a feeling of satisfaction, knowing that I have done my part to help influence another generation of leaders in this state.

That all being said, it's time to finish packing!

Best. News. Ever.

Some time ago, I wrote a blog post about being proud of having lost 80 pounds since May 1999. I went to the doctor today, and I am officially 17 pounds past that. That's right folks, in the very near future, possibly by the end of the weekend, I will have lost 100 pounds!

The news gets better. At said doctor's appointment, I found out my A1C test result from a couple months ago was 5.9%. The A1C is a test used to find the average blood sugar levels over an extended period of time. For diabetics, the American Diabetes Association recommends that the A1C level be kept below 7%. For most healthy people, the level falls below 6%. That means I have been keeping my blood sugar in check, and the levels have fallen into a normal, healthy range.

What does this mean? Well, I go back in 6 weeks or so, and if I have lost some more weight (I'm hoping for another 15 pounds!) and if the A1C that was drawn today and the one that will be drawn that day are both in the normal ranges, I can start coming off the diabetes medication!

I've been overwhelmed with emotion all day over this. I'm finally getting to the point that my body is responding to the work I have been doing to lose weight and take care of myself. I've got a long way to go, and there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to be completely freem of medication for the rest of my life.

But knowing that, if nothing else, I have this condition in check gives me an enormous sense of satisfaction and confidence in my own ability to take control of my life.

So many people have told me today that they are proud of me: my mom, Sarah, Gabe, Andrea, James, Landon, Jerod, Ryan... And I think that I might just say to hell with thinking it's arrogant and add myself to the list of people telling me that they are proud!

Beside myself...

I just got done doing my second night of drag, and let me tell you what... it was a BLAST!

I don't think I've ever had so much fun in my life!

It was such a complete release for me, particularly on the day after my ex-wife got married again. And having all my best friends in St. Louis there made it even more special. People from work, homo friends, neighbors... I'm crying here right now thinking about it! (In a total good way, too, so don't go thinking that this bitch is sad!)

My first number was "Why'd You Come in Here Looking Like That" by Dolly Parton, and I had some HUGE titties for that song! I was really nervous, though, and I think it really showed. My second number, though, was "Big, Blonde, and Beautiful," the Queen Latifah number from the "Hairspray" soundtrack. And I did it in a corset and panties, with knee-high fishnets attached to garters. It was SHIT HOT!!! And I think that, in that number, Neara Wang found her true calling. Bitch is gonna be nothing but camp.

I couldn't have done it without a number of people. First and foremost was Jai Wilson-Tull, also known as Tabbi Kat. Girlfriend can PAINT!

And Veronica Leigh Taylor, who lent me a pair of titties tonight... And Jade Sinclair, who also lent me some titties and who beat the hell out of my wigline...

You all made me SO MUCH better, and I am so grateful!

And to Jerod and Chris and Craig, who all have to work early in the morning, THANK YOU so much! I love you girls dearly!

And to Jack and Molly and Tuffy and Jim and James Walker and Matty and Danny... Having friendly faces in the crowd means so much to a performer... Thank you!

And Andrea and Jenn, and Joe and Jenn... And Cindy... My God, it was a blast having you there!

And to Ryan and Sarah who both sent messages to me in different ways... Girls, God I love you!

And Laura and Merle... Laura, honey, I think you're gonna have a full-time job with the dragscaping!

And to Landon... Just thank you... For everything, kiddo. I really don't deserve it, but your friendship means the world to me! And thank you for bringing Randi!

And to Sasha, you honored me by asking me to be in your fundraiser... Of course I will be there!

And especially to Gabe and James, who have stood by me through so much and have witnessed this whole process finally start to see fruition... Girls, I really don't know where I would be without you. Seriously. I've talked about it and talked about it, and you two were the only ones who really never doubted that I would do it. Your faith means more than words can even begin to express!

I know that I have forgotten people here, and I know that it might bite me in the ass later, but I just had to say all that to the world. I'm on top of the world right now, and, even if it's a character and not really me, I think I might be starting to find a voice. And it's amazing!

I love you all!

Moving on

My ex-wife got married again yesterday, and I am ecstatic for her. At least, I think she got married. It was supposed to happen yesterday, and I haven't heard anything contrary.

While I am ecstatic for her, I can't help but be a little sad and scared, too. Sad because it really and finally brings to a close a part of my life that while painful, was powerfully significant. Scared because I think there always has been this little piece of me that thought, "Well, if nothing else, if you both are incredibly lonely, I bet she would take you back."

I've never thought that I would want that, nor have I ever thought that she would want that. I guess I have to use a baseball analogy here to explain. A lot of eighth-inning setup pitchers are lights-out. Then, when they try to be closers, they bomb. Why? A lot of people think it has to do with the fact that when you are a set-up man, there always is someone behind you. When you are the closer, it's just you.

So I guess it's time to take the mound, close out the game of life that I've been playing and get ready to hit the field another day!

And finally...

Neara Wang will be back Sunday night. God help us all.

It's part of my plan to become a full-blown drag queen. The funny kind, though, not the pretty kind that enters pageants and shit.

And if my mom sees any photos this time, I think I will die! (Mostly because one of Neara's outfits is a corset and g-string. Ew!)

And another thing...

I've had this fucking ear infection since last Friday, and I am TIRED of it! My doctor called in a prescription that day for what is SUPPOSED to be an ultra-high powered antibiotic. And given that I paid well over $40 for the generic AFTER my insurance, I thought it would be.

Seven pills, seven days.

Today is day seven and it hasn't even touched the infection. In fact, it's gotten a bit worse and is starting to work its way into my sinuses and chest. So I called him back and asked for something else to take. He called in the SAME FUCKING THING!

I called another friend who is a physician, and he called in good, old-fashioned amoxicillin. If this doesn't work, I'm going to stab my ear with a hatchet.

Two steps forward, one step back

I'm sort of beside myself right now. A couple big things that I have been worrying about that I thought had been resolved are not. And it sucks. Real bad.

My roommate situation I thought had been resolved. My cousin had agreed to move in when my current roommate moved out, but then she bailed on that Tuesday night. Can't blame her, really, since she had gotten back with her ex-girlfriend.

Then one of my good friends, who previously had been given six months to live with lung cancer only to be told earlier this week that it wasn't cancer, found out earlier today that the biopsies indeed do show that he has lymphoma. It's early, and the doctor is confident that it can be treated with chemotherapy.

I hate the roller coaster effect of the last few weeks. Let it be up, or let it be down. I don't know that I have it in me much longer to keep doing both.

Running through my head

For some reason, I have had a bunch of random stuff stuck in my head lately. Two things particularly stand out, though.

The first is the word punanny. For some reason, that popped into my head the moment I woke up today. Don't ask me why; neither you nor I really want to know!

The second is a line from a song that I haven't been able to get out of my head for a few days. Normally when I get a song stuck in my head, I have to listen to it once or twice all the way through, and it goes away. This one hasn't.

The lyric is "You can make a million dollars, but you might lose yourself." It's from the song "Hollywood's not America" by a young singer named Ferras, who hails from a small town in Illinois. I have heard the song many times, and it never really stuck with me. In fact, I have heard most of his album, and while I enjoyed it on the surface, I can't say that I ever found much substance to it. At least, nothing that really stuck with me.

But over the past few days, this line has worked its way into my brain hardcore.

I guess it's just a result of the fact that I really think I have lost myself lately. Maybe not lately. Maybe it happened a LONG time ago and I am just now realizing it. Either way, it certainly has been a constant reminder lately that I am on the right track, trying to find out who I really am.

If you want to hear the whole song, check out this video of him performing live on "Today."

Where were you exactly nine years ago?

Not many of us likely will be able to answer that question. I can, though.

Nine years ago, at this very moment, I was in my bed at the first house that my ex-wife and I rented, staring at the ceiling. I was nervous as hell, because in less than 10 hours, I would be married.

It's funny how things work out. I laid there that night praying - begging, really - for the strength to be able to make the marriage work. A few short years later, I would be praying for the strength to end the marriage.

On one hand, I wish that things would have been different. I wish that I never had gotten to know her, then maybe both of our lives would have turned out a lot better. On the other hand, I am proud of the woman that she has become and am most assuredly blessed with the three children that we have together.

Was that time together easy? God, no! We had our ups and downs, our fights, our good times and bad... I held her hand through childbirth and I held her hand (and corralled two toddlers) in a triage room while she miscarried what would have been our third child.

While the marriage was ending, we couldn't stand to be around each other. I reminded her that she was now "damaged goods" as she put it, and she reminded me that I once again had not lived up to expectations.

After we finally separated, we were both very flippant about things, acting as if being divorced was the most normal thing in the world. When she finally met someone that she fell in love with, things turned bad, and I am glad that they did. It finally gave us both the distance and closure that we needed.

We've worked through all that now, and I think we actually get along better now than we ever did. We are candid and frank with each other, we laugh, we disagree... We're adults, really. And it is amazing.

Things really have changed in the last decade or so, and I think it all is for the better.

In a few more weeks, she will be getting married again, and I am so happy for her. She deserves happiness. I wish I could be there, but I totally understand the awkwardness that would create.

Anyhow, Tobra, I wish you all the luck in the world. To borrow your phrase, "Happy Unniversary!"

A peaceful little moment!

I'm laying on my bed, sketching a logo for a local bar that might use it on T-shirts for a float in an upcoming parade, listening to a church carillon play "Let There be Peace on Earth" and thinking about my mom.

That always was her favorite song to sing in church; it's one of mine, too, if only because it's a reminder that to have a world in which you want to live, you have to work to make it so.

The nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time

My ex-wife told me this morning that I look anorexic... God bless her!

(Is it bad that I think this is great?!?)

When you have nothing else...

...you're left with faith. For me, having faith is a tough pill to swallow. Mostly, I think, because I believe that faith in anything starts with having faith in yourself. At least, I always have thought that.

But maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's exactly the opposite. Maybe you need to be willing to have faith to finally start having faith in yourself. Who knows.

I am finally starting to have some faith. Not in God or any of that (Sorry, I am not trying to write anything at all metaphysical here!). I am talking in people.

I have faith in the handful of people who always have stood by me no matter what.

I have faith that all the unpleasantness in a few relationships that I am dealing with will resolve themselves.

I have faith that all the sacrifices I have made and that I have asked my kids to make will work out for the best.

I have faith that by letting go and only focusing on what I can do for me I will begin to find some release.

I have faith...

Ok, so maybe not entirely. That's one of the beautiful parts of faith, though... It doesn't ever start out perfect and unwavering. It must be built. And maybe my allowing myself to start this foundation of faith, I can build a tower of faith in myself.

And if not, I am going to borrow a phrase that I heard from an AA sponsor... "If you don't have faith, fake it 'til you make it."

Exhausted!

It's been a long weekend, but one that I truly loved. I got my kids (it involved a lot of driving, but it was very much worth it), and we had a blast! We spent time with my mom's family on Saturday, swimming and having a general good time with 13 of her siblings and a shit-ton of my cousins.

Sunday was spent at mom's house, with me at the grill, naturally. Elijah and played catch for quite a while in the afternoon while the girls helped mom weed her flower beds.

In all, there really was nothing too exciting that happened, but just being there with them made it entirely special.

I hate that I won't see them again until late June, but I'm sure we'll all make the best of it!

And so it is...

...that things are changing. That's the one constant in life: It never remains the same.

It's the same way in soap operas; when two characters finally get to a place where all there issues are resolved and they are ready to live peacefully, they are written off the show. Why? No one watching soap operas to see a lack of drama.

In real life, drama drives people away. I've been told a lot recently that I have done a lot to creat drama in peoples' lives. And perhaps I have. No, in fact, I will admit that. I have done a lot to create drama.

Was it intentional? No. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened. It also doesn't change the fact that some of these same people have done a lot to interject drama into my life, as well. Did they mean to do it? I don't think so.

Fact is, I think everyone acts with the best of intentions with the best information they have available to them at the time. But life is not perfect. Shit happens, etc.

I am in an incredible state of flux right now. My roommate is moving out (I can't blame him, he really is getting a sweet deal, but that doesn't change the fact that it still hurts and makes me angry and that I keep getting this impression from our friends that I was the last person to know about it), one of my best friends is moving away (I can't blame him, either, inasmuch as the last few months have been more than rocky), and the one person I ever, I think, have truly been in love with finally is out of my life (not by his choice, but by mine; I can't take it anymore - I just hope that I am strong enough to hold myself to it!). I can't help any of those facts. I can just help me. So I have decided to NOT sit at home and mope. I have decided TO go on living.

I am pretty sure that I have a new roommate lined up to stay with me in this apartment that I love. I am re-establishing connections with friends that I have let slide away over the last year or so. I am reclaiming me, for no one BUT me.

I get to have my kids this weekend, and that thought is more than helping me through this; it really is propelling me!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday weekend, and I look forward to writing more about the fun times that I know I will be having!

P.S. I totally realize that the sixth graph of this post contains what is quite possibly the longest sentence that I ever have written. Tough shit. I couldn't write it any other way. To quote Eddie Murphy, "If you don't like it Lillian, you can get the fuck out."

Absolutely. Horrible.

If you had asked me earlier today what movie is the worst that I ever have seen, I probably would have told you "Across the Universe." I watched it with Landon and his roommate Jayme, and it was insipid, it had no plot and it totally massacred several great Beatles' tunes. (Not that I am a great Beatles fan, but come on... even they deserved better than that!) No one should EVER watch this movie!



However, this evening I had the good (?) fortune of sitting through "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist." Holy. Shit. Worst movie EVER!

That having been said, I am recommending it to EVERYONE. There are some movies that are so bad that everyone should see them just to be sure they know what a bad movie is. This "film" had an insipid underdeveloped plot, a bunch of sight gags that sucked, some really shitty acting and absolutely no sense of direction.

I watched it with my friend James, who had cooked dinner (a nice Sicilian-style feast!). I had the choice of movies, and while I could have went with "Goodfellas," any of the "Godfather" films, "Mambo Kings" or "The Big Lebowski," I chose this. I'm kind of glad that I did, simply for the fact that James and I had to sit through it together and share equally in the misery.

For anyone who has seen all the "Godfather" films, though, I will tell you that "Kung Pow" as least has this going for it: At least it didn't have Sofia Fucking Coppola in it.

Plus, there was one mildly intriguing scene that involved a remix of Wham Jam's "Black Betty."

Whew...

It's been my distinct honor the last couple weeks to help a very dear friend with some very big issues. I've written extensively in this venue about how much being able to help friends means to me, and being able to help in this situation was particularly meaningful.

When the friend I get to help is someone who is so vitally important in my life (more family than friend, really), and the situation is something that is causing him a lot of stress and angst, being able to lift some small part of that from his shoulders gave me some feeling of purpose. And seeing how much happier he looks and much more lightly he carries himself over the last few days has been more than payback.

Not that it's been a one-way street, either. He's helped me incredibly dealing with a couple issues over the same time, and it's incredibly appreciated. Asking for help is not something that I do really well, so humbling myself a bit and asking for it and seeing that he was willing to help was one more small step toward breaking the mold of closing myself off from the world and beginning to really trust people.

I guess I'm just saying that it's good when friendships work the way they are supposed to work.

I'm the next Spielberg, bitches

So I've been learning to edit video on the lovely iMovie program that came loaded on my MacBook. I really was intimidated by it at first, but on Saturday, with minimal effort, I was able to create this video in about 45 minutes. Not too bad, I think, considering it's only the second video I have edited!

Finally catching up!

RULES - Post rules before giving the facts - Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves - People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules - At the end of the your blog you need to tag three people and list their names - Leave them a comment on their blog, telling them they have been tagged and not to forget to read your blog.

1-I never have seen an ocean. Yes, this is sad. Even more sad is the fact that I am going to need one of my besties to be there with me when I finally do see one because I most likely am going to lose it. Seriously. That much openness and space... It truly will be overwhelming.

2-I hate tomatoes, but I used to love them. I don't remember this, of course, but my mother tells me that when I was a wee young lad of 4, we went to the Mississippi River on a hot summer day, and I ate more than my fair share of cherry tomatoes. To the point that I threw up. She tells me that since that day, I have refused to eat them. The only single exception that I can think of is the time that my good friend James, who is a chef, cooked a very nice meal for the two of us, but one of the first courses was a tomato/fresh mozzerrela plate... It looked so good, and he definitely had brushed off his French knife skills, so I felt obligated to eat it. And let me tell you, it was a chore... It's a shame that it looked SO GOOD!

3-I love to be naked in the dark and in water. I don't care if it's skinny dipping in a lake or river or just showering in the dark, it's amazing. This is aided by the fact that our bathroom is without windows, so I can be in complete darkness in the water every single day - and I am at least 4 mornings a week. (I shower every day, bitches, I just don't always do it in the dark... It ruins how special the moment is if you do it every day!)

4-I’m the oldest child among my blood-related siblings, and it shows. It's amazing, though, that my best friend in the world is the youngest of her siblings. I thought we weren't supposed to get along! Nonetheless, phone calls to her mother have been made at 2 in the a.m. just to proclaim our love for her!

5-I only have one gay friend that I can trust who loves me totally and completely. Don't get me wrong... I have a LOT of gay male friends; however, I only trust one of them to love me and be there for me no matter what. I don't think he reads this, though. Thank God I shared this fact with him Friday night. I am trying with all my might to love and trust a handful of others, but I am having a hard time convincing myself that I am worthy of having their friendship.

6-Watching Elijah boast about the fact that I taught him some batting tips between games during a baseball tournament over the weekend that paid off (he went 3-for-4 with 4 total RBIs after I talked to him!) was one of the single greatest moments of my life.

7- I have absolutely no desire to live past the age of 50... Which means that I have a little more 18 years to cram as much living into my life as I can!

8-I have lost nearly 90 lbs. The fact that my ex-wife shared pictures with me over the weekend convinced me to be proud of this. I saw myself cutting Elijah's umbilical cord, and it blew me away. I kept asking myself, "Who is that fat man with my baby?"

OK, now... I actually am going to call out 4 people for this one... DJB, JF, ES and CM, get your asses in gear and share with the world!

The century mark

This is post No. 100 for me, and I have nothing of importance to say here. Except that, if you are one of my friends and one of my favorite bartenders in the world who just found out that you have lung cancer, know that I love you and momentarily will be on my knees at the foot of my bed praying harder than I ever have prayed in my life for you.

And tomorrow/tonight, I am going to the Cubs/Cards game. We (the Cubs) are going to get our asses handed to us because Rich Hill is facing Adam Wainwright, but I don't care. It's going to be a blast, even if I end up going myself! (Don't think I haven't sat through more than one Cubs/Cards game by myself!)

OK, that's enough random ramblings for this night... It's time to go to sleep, bitches!

One last thing before bed

Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet

There's just something about the words "cock" and "chop" being used in the same sentence that kinda freaks me out.

Oh well...

I was going to tell everyone tonight the story of my awesome weekend; however, work decided to intervene.

And I was going to do it right now, but I have a freelance project to hurry up and finish. Except that I think I really am going to go to bed while I have the chance. Another half-hour, and I think I will be starting a few days of insomnia.

So good night!

A simple gift

I've spent the past few minutes with tears in my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, they are not tears of sadness. Rather, I've been moved by a touching gesture by my friends Gabe and James. The silly bitches bought me a charm bracelet watch at Target that has Zac Efron's face on it, along with the "High School Musical 2" logo.

It's a simple gift, to be sure, but one that totally touched me.

I feel sometimes like I completely give myself away, to the point, often, that I don't even have a piece of myself left to hold on to. And in the moments of weakness when I need me, I don't have it. Often in those moments, I do something stupid or rude or hateful or embarrassing or inappropriate and end up feeling like a huge asshole. Then I feel like everyone is going to abandon me, but in reality, I have abandoned myself.

I've been trying the last few days to let my anger at myself go, to forgive myself for things that really did not bring about the end of the world. And to get the invitation to come hang out tonight and then receiving such a simple little homo gift really cemented (I hope it's that permanent, anyhow) in me the fact that my friends do love me, and that they will be there for me. Not just for me... With me.

This isn't the only gift I've received lately, either. Andrea a couple weeks ago gave me some magnets that were naked men wearing only strategically placed oven mitts. And Carrie has sent me some cards in the past couple months that truly made me smile. Jimmy invited me to his place to have a glass of wine sometime. Landon wanted me to have a cigarette with him, but I was downtown getting my watch. Sarah tells me nearly every single day that she loves me.

All these things really are gifts, precious ones at that, because of their simplicity. That's why I am attaching these two videos to this post. The song in both is "Simple Gifts," an old Shaker dance song from the 19th century.

The song was really popularized by Aaron Copland in the score for the ballet "Appalachian Spring." The video above is his orchestration of the song, with pictures taken by Ansel Adams. The video below is the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles singing the song.

Life truly is beautiful when you can appreciate the simple things.

Lyrics:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

What's up, doc?

I just got back from the doctor a bit ago.

The conversation went something like this:

ME: So my right shoulder and arm are in a lot of pain.

DR. P: Here, I'll give you some pain meds.

ME: Will these knock me out?

DR. P: Nope.

ME: Damn. Got anything stronger?

DR. P: Well, then here is some vicodin, percocet and dilaudid.

Okay, so that last part didn't really happen. The doctor just thinks I have some nerve inflammation in my shoulder and hip (I had some weird reflex stuff in my right leg going on, too) that is causing the pain.

He gave me some celebrex and lyrica, so we'll see how these work out. I have to take them for two weeks, which for the time being brings the number of different pills that I have to take each day to 5. Ugh.

He also did draw blood, which sucked. Ugh.

However, I did lose 6 more pounds over the past 3 weeks, which makes me VERY happy!

More pains in my ... errr ... shoulder

I'm going to the doctor in a few minutes to have my shoulder checked out. I sincerely hope he doesn't take this opportunity to poke me with about 8 needles, like every other appointment. Ugh.

Also, here's hoping he gives me some good pain meds. :)

Ow-wy

I have had an incredible pain in the back of my right arm since last Wednesday. For several days, I've figured it to be a strained triceps or something to that effect from an over-eager stint at the gym.

But as it has grown worse the past couple days, I've started to think that maybe it's stress and tension.

Today, I am convinced. My whole right arm is knotted up, including up through my shoulder and into my neck. I just left a message with my doctor's office... I am hoping something can be done!

Post script

While all these thoughts were running through my head last night/this morning, this song popped into my head. I sang a VERY different version of it in a musical called "Smoke on the Mountain" once, but I remember hearing this one as a kid. The song is called "Wouldn't Take Nothing for my Journey Now."

Could it really have happened?

Once again, I had a night relatively free of sleep. Not that I wasn't tired, mind you; I was exhausted. And sober. (Well, I had 5 or 6 drinks over the course of several hours, but God knows that's not a lot for me.)

Anyhow, I had written a couple weeks ago about having some giant realization on the horizon that I couldn't quite identify. I'm not so sure that it didn't become painfully clear while I was starting to drift off. And when it did, it woke me right the hell up.

I'm not ready to put it here yet. I don't even know if I am ready to express it yet at all. Once I have processed, though, I will share. It's something else.

Growing pains

Sarah just reminded me of something that is very, very true: growth and healing is not always pretty. How true.

Let me start by saying that the Wellbutrin really is doing great things for me. It has slowed my brain down so much and really allowed me to calm down about a lot of things. The downside to this is that it really has allowed me to realize what a douchebag I have been the last month or so. I've made some serious mistakes in some friendships, misinterpreted some situations and blown some things out of proportion. And it hasn't been fair to me or to the people around me.

This all hit me tonight at the gym while I was in the tanning bed. After tanning, I got on the elliptical, and I wasn't on it for more than 5 minutes when I had to run to the bathroom to vomit. The thought of how juvenile I have been just overwhelmed me.

So now, I know what I have to work on. It's not pretty.

I know I have it in me to change, and I know that once something is learned it cannot be unlearned. That is the good thing.

Again, I have a lot to fix. But it will be fixed.

Not too shabby

My friend Sarah found this video and posted it on my Facebook page. I have no idea what the guy's name is, but he's covering Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody," and he's doing it solo and acoustic. His voice has its moments, and there are the occasional pitch problems, but on the whole it's a pretty ballsy performance.

God I love The Onion!

I Love My Country–Aw, Who Am I Kidding? My Country Can Go Fuck Itself

Nothing like some good sarcasm. Particularly when it's hateful!

Some goals

I've decided that, in order to move forward and really start making changes in my life, I first need to identify what is most wrong and set some goals to change them. I'm not saying that my life is a big clusterfuck, because, well, it's not. I've got a good job, good friends, a nice place to live, and, most importantly, a GREAT relationship with my children. But that does not mean there isn't room for improvement.

PROBLEM: Spending too much time with the same people over and over again.
GOAL: Make it a point to reach out to other friends and include them in my life. I know that some of my friends have become discontent lately with the fact that I haven't spent much time with them. And others have become discontent, as well, that I have been spending too much time with them. Somewhere there has to be a happy balance, and I need to find it.

PROBLEM: Going out WAY too much.
GOAL: There are a few here, actually.
1. Read more. I used to devour books (not literally, though if I did it certainly would explain how I got to be so damned fat). Lately, I am luck if I read one every couple months or so. My goal is to read at least two a month now.
2. Go to the gym. I've done really well working out. I've lost weight and been able to increase my strength and cardio conditioning. I really am proud of myself for that. I can do better, though. I want to lose another 25 pounds by the time I have my kids for vacation in mid-July. I've never been to a water park, simply because I am embarrassed to have my shirt off in public. I want that to change. I want to take them to a water park and have a great time. Hell, even if we can't do a water park, I want to be able to take them to a public pool.
3. Knit more. I love knitting. I really do. Yes, yes... I know this makes me way too gay; I don't give a shit. It's so relaxing. I want to make at least one project this year for all of my closest friends.
4. Spend more time with family. Ugh. I can't believe I am saying this, but I really have been neglectful of my family. Even with spending more time with my mother during my stepfather's illness (that we still have no clue what the hell it is), I can do better. I can go home randomly. I can call more.

PROBLEM: Poor mental health.
GOAL: I've taken a big step toward alleviating this problem simply by getting on Wellbutrin, but medication alone will not fix everything. I must change behaviors. So I going to tell myself everyday to stop worrying and to stop catastrophizing (not a word, I know) every problem that does come up. Not all problems are going to be fixed in a day. Or a week. Or hell, maybe not even in a lifetime. But I have to trust that the people who love me always will love me, no matter what. I've realized lately just how many people do love me, and it means the world; it truly does. Now I just have to accept that and let them love me. I had a huge revelation while talking to my friend Sarah (who will be officially older than me in 45 minutes) the other day: Not all the problems and blame that I put upon myself need to be there. I didn't make any of the people who have hurt me do it. It's their fault. I can let go of the guilt and let in the love. It's not going to be easy changing 31 years of behavior, but I can get there if I start taking baby steps.

PROBLEM: Loneliness.
GOAL: I am not making finding a boyfriend a goal here. I think that would be self-defeating, because having someone else in my life will not solve my problems. What I am making a goal is to be the kind of person that someone would want to have for a boyfriend and then trusting fate to take care of things. And I am making it a goal to actually put myself out there a little bit. I have this bad habit of saying no for people; I can't do that. If they say no, then so be it. Their loss. I also am resolving to stop being "easy." Now, I think we all have slipups and sleep with people we regret. I need to minimize that and if it happens not beat myself up.

Can I do all of these things? Not tomorrow. I can start trying, though. One phrase that I learned from my stints going to AA meetings has stuck with me: Progress, not perfection. As long as I keep moving forward, I can't stay stuck where I am.

New respect for Hillary!

I am an Obama supporter, no doubt about it. However, I saw this on CNN today, and it gave me new respect for Hillary Clinton. Get it, girl!

Quite a turnaround

For as insanely and hideously awful as last week was, this week has been quite the opposite.


I previously wrote about Chris coming for a visit early in the week. It was so nice to see him. Any time someone travels to spend time with me, it makes me feel good. And Chris really is a good person, too. For example, Monday night we were at home, and Landon messaged me to see if I had, by chance, a hacksaw to cut a dowel rod. I didn't, of course, but I did have an assload of old knives that would do the trick. Since Landon had been a bit under the weather for the previous couple days, Chris took it upon himself to handle the "sawing" himself. Right up to cutting his finger open.


That's just like Chris, though, to take on anything to help someone, even a relative stranger. I was sad when he had to leave on Tuesday morning, and I can't wait to see the photos he took in the parks.

Tuesday, my ex-wife called me and told me that she had around 30 rolls of film that we had taken over the time we were dating and married developed and was going to give me CDs of them all. I cried a little over the fact that she thought enough of me still to do that. I am quite grateful to her for it.

Also Tuesday, Landon, Jerod and I went out for a couple pitchers of beer (and then on to another bar for a bucket of beer... ugh...). It was the first time the three of us had hung out together since last summer, and it was such a good time. There had been a lot of awkwardness over things since then, and it was nice to see that erased. I really count on them both more than even I sometimes realize.


And it's just nice in general that since Jerod has graduated, there has been such a relief of tension. It feels like my brother has returned after a long journey.


I also found resolution in the situation involving a friend that I wrote about Saturday. It's funny that such a horrible situation actually stems from not wanting to hurt the other's feelings. We both let some things bottle up inside us instead of actually expressing when we were angry at each other at the moment. So then that anger just came pouring out at the most inopportune time. We've vowed to not let that happen again, and I think our friendship will be stronger for it.

In all, it's been a time of great growth, and I hope it continues.

Finally

I've been able to get some sleep the last couple nights, thank God. Actual restful sleep, at that.

I also was fortunate enough over the weekend to host for a couple days a young friend who only recently came out, though not yet to his family. It was great being able to introduce him to some of my friends in hope that they could be positive gay role models. And from what he said, that is exactly what happened.

Anyhow, on the whole, it was a great couple of days.

Looking inward

I've been blessed to have some truly wonderful people in my life. My friends all are great people, each in very unique ways, and I love them all.

Unfortunately, over the years, there have been a handful of situations where I have driven them away. I've had HUGE fights with several of them, and it's not been pretty. Most of those friendships never have been the same, and it hurts. In one situation, the friendship has totally been severed.

I look at all those situations, and I realize that the common denominator in all those situations is me. I am a very flawed person. I've got a knack for driving people away like you would not believe.

It's come up again recently, and I don't know what to do. I'm lost. And at a loss. The whole damn thing sucks ass. And not in the good way. It's rough, but I am hopeful that things will work out.

I'm preparing myself, though, for the possibility that they won't.

I guess only time will tell.

To sleep: perchance to dream

I have this little condition whereby when I am stressed or nervous, I can't sleep. Like, at all. Needless to say, I have been a little stressed lately.

Tuesday night, despite having enough booze in me to put down a rhino (don't do that, they are endangered), I managed exactly zero hours of sleep. Nada. None. In fact, when I went to bed, I knew it wasn't going to happen, so I didn't even bother to set my alarm.

Last night, I didn't see it happening, either, so I sat down and started watching some old Bette Davis movies around 11 or so. I watched "All About Eve." And "The Virgin Queen." And "Phone Call from a Stranger." And I started watching "Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte," but lo and behold, around 5:15 a.m. I nodded off for a bit. Don't worry, though, I was back awake at 7:34. At least, that's what my phone said.

It's quite possibly my least favorite thing about myself, my inability to completely clear my mind and just relax. I normally have about 18,000 things going through my head at any given minute. The Wellbutrin has brought that down significantly, but there still are dozens of thoughts going on at once.

And right now, not all of them are positive.

Anyhow, I'd like to take a nap right now, but I know it's not possible. I'll sit here and try to relax and clear my head as much as I can. But since I doubt that works, either, maybe I'll just go see if I can find some sleep in a pitcher or three of beer.

Wow.

I saw this story today about a group of THIRD GRADERS who were plotting to attack and stab their teacher, and it just blows me away. My oldest is in second grade now, and I can't even fathom the possibility of him having thoughts like this in another year. Just wow.

Note to self

Don't drive in Colorado.

A highlight from Easter weekend

This actually happened:



Needless to say, the Lewton boys were in fine form:



Loves it.

It's been a while

Get ready for a long one, folks. And let's face it: Who doesn't love a long one?

I'm sitting down around 12:30 a.m. to pour my heart out into a little box of plastic, silicon and metal, watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's," listening to the opening strains of Henry Mancini's "Moon River." It's been a long day, and it's been an even longer week.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. Or, at least, where I left off last time – heading to Kansas City for my stepfather's visit with the doctor. Come to find out, all the doctors so far were apparently wrong. The PET scan revealed no cancer.

However, the three options that remain are not pleasant. Either he has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, or he has asbestosis, or his heart is failing.

It's a mixed blessing, really. While it appears that death is not imminent, what remains of his life will not be pleasant. And I don't really know what to think about this.

I was ready to deal with the worst, or what I thought was the worst, and life, of course, threw me a curveball. In some ways, I think I might have been hoping it was cancer. It seems somehow that it would have been more humane.

And this really is selfish of me. I mean, I have friends who recently have lost parents, and I still have mine. Here I am thinking that it would be better for one of mine to die sooner. I have more time with him; I should be thankful.

So there was that.

My doctor doubled my dose of Wellbutrin on Wednesday, and I think it really is starting to make a difference. The absolute giddy happiness that I initially felt has subsided, but I am starting to feel a real inner happiness and finding some confidence in myself.

That fact is compounded by the fact that I weighed – what the hell, I'll tell you – 256 pounds. A lot to be sure. But in 1999, right before I got married, I weighed 336 pounds. I nearly cried on the scales that day, and 9 years later, I nearly cried again when I realized I have officially lost 80 POUNDS!

And then I started thinking about the fact that if – WHEN – I lose 20 more pounds, I will have lost 100 pounds. I legitimately see this happening by summer at the rate I am going. I'm so excited and proud of myself that it's not funny.

Thursday night, my roommate graduated from the police academy and officially became a cop. I'm so proud of him for that. Jerod and I have had our differences and fought and had a rough time the last several months, but seeing him on that stage, accepting his badge and finally achieving his lifelong dream brought tears to my eyes.

Friday, I got word two of my best friends, Sarah and Landon, that they both had serious personal issues that they were trying to deal with. And given that the two of them really have carried me (others have helped, too, and I will get to them in a bit) through the last few weeks – hell, months – I was worried sick about them.

And it killed me that I couldn't physically be there for either of them, as I had to work that night. I realize looking back that I was taking their problems and making them about me somehow. Which certainly is not good.

That night, we celebrated Jerod's graduation at a popular bar here, and had a good time. Up until I started to have a panic attack. I think it was just the combination of me being tired, the increased dosage of medication, all the anxiety about Sarah and Landon, trying to make sure Jerod had fun, the incredible mass of people there and the lesbian who was trying to give me fashion tips that did it, but I had to leave the place.

Getting home, I did see Landon for a bit and was able to talk with him some. That gave me relief, but again, I was making it about me in my head, I realize.

Saturday, I spent most of the day helping him with some things, and I had a long talk with Sarah about how things were going for her. It was nice, for me, to be able to do nice things for them both. It made me feel better. Needed. Even though, I think, I pushed my way into helping Landon. Again, I made his issues about me in my head. Very unhealthy.

I ended up hitting the gym, and after a bit of a change in plans, I met my co-worker and dear friend Gabe downtown for a few beers. It was sort of a weird experience; on a Saturday night in a crowded downtown bar full of slutty-looking women, the only two guys in the place not chasing poontang (ew!) were the two homos at the bar eating nachos. It was priceless, really!

That night when I got home, I got a few drunk dials from friends. I love drunk dials from friends; in fact, they are among my favorite things. The first two were significant because they were from two of my dearest friends and both of them ended the conversations by telling me that they loved me. And it gave me such a great feeling.

I tell my friends that I love them all the time. It's something I've done since high school. My theater director taught us to do it because, as he said, you never know when you won't be able to say it to the people who need to hear it.

This was the first time, though, that I think either of them said it to me first. (I'm withholding their names here – they know who they are – because they're not the important part of this anecdote; rather, I want to share what it meant to me to hear it.) I have such issues trusting that people will like or accept me. If you've been reading my previous posts, you understand this. Hearing these words from these two people, "unsolicited" so to speak, for some reason just filled me with an amazing amount of trust. I was so happy that I thought my heart would explode.

Sunday, after a SUPER intense workout, Landon and I went out and met up with Jerod and some other friends. It was one of the most fun nights I have had in a long time. Jerod met a guy, Landon got some numbers and a really sexy man said some really provocative things to me and told me I am hot. So I wasn't as productive as they were, but hey, it's a start! Not a bad night at all, in my book.

The night was made all the better because of how I felt before I walked out the door. Looking in the mirror right before we left, I actually thought to myself, "Hey, I look good." For someone with the self-esteem issues that I have, this is HUGE. Mostly because I actually meant it!

I wish I had a picture of myself from Sunday, but here is one that was taken recently:



Anyhow, it's not the best as far as photo quality, but it's pretty much what I look like right now. And I'm starting to like it!

I fact, I was so confident that I actually sang karaoke. That's nothing new for me. But I was sober when I sang karaoke. (For the first song, anyhow!) And then... In a gay bar... I karaoked Cher's "Dark Lady." It was a hot mess, though not a tranny hot mess!

More proof that a fun-loving, confident Jason is starting to come out of his shell. I'd like to be able to say coming back, but I honestly don't know that he's ever really been around. Maybe on the surface, but I've never really known him.

I've been on antidepressants before, and I've been to therapy. I KNOW what is right and what is wrong, what is healthy and what is unhealthy. I know that I've thought I've been well before, but it was never in a period where I was totally "out." I mean, I always was hiding something about me from someone or someplace. And now I am not.

And for the first time, open and accepting about my sexuality, I am starting to like myself. There is a long way to go, I know, but dammit, I see light!

This whole period has taught me a lot about people, about who my friends are and about who really matters.

I've mentioned Sarah and Landon; they have been rocks for me recently. For that I love them deeply as though they were my own family. Jerod, about whom another friend once told me she knew he and I always would be friends because no matter how bad things got, we never give up on each other. It's been rough, but I really think things will get better. Soon.

That other friend was Carrie. She has been such an unexpected source of comfort and inspiration for me lately. She always has a smile and kind words to say. Twice recently, I have received cards in the mail from her just letting me know that she was thinking about me. Such a generous, loving gesture. I hope she realizes that she doesn't need to be or do everything for all people because she deserves to be happy, too, dammit!

And another friend, Jimmy, who I knew pretty well, but who has become a great resource over the last couple months. Thank you, thank you, thank you... your empathy has been a tremendous source of courage.

But most of all, I think I need to be proud of and thankful for myself. It's not been an easy life. I'm not saying I've had it exceptionally rough, but it seems like it's been one trauma after another, and dammit, I'm still here. I'm still kicking. I'm still learning.

I like the glimpses of what I am seeing happen. I've got a lot to do still, I know. I've got good people to help me, though, and I am starting to believe that I have the strength to make a good life for myself.

And I think I am starting to have the courage to let myself be happy.

Well, if you've made it this far, thanks for staying with me.

The movie is ending now. I think it's time for bed, my huckleberry friend.

Some adorable pictures

My ex-wife this morning sent me some photos of the kids that she had taken over the course of the last week or so while they were on spring break. Heidi's chapped lips aside, I think they are more beautiful than I can begin to express!

Thanks, T.

A weird feeling

I got off the phone with my mom a bit ago, and it left me with a surreal feeling.

We, of course, were talking about my stepfather and his health. Monday is the big day in Kansas City; Bill's doctor is going to lay out everything and offer his recommendation for treatment.

In my life, I can't remember my mom ever asking me for anything. Of course, there was the occasional "grab some milk on your way home" and "can you pick me up a pack of cigarettes?" I'm talking about the real things. The important things. She's never asked.

Tonight, in her own way, she did. She asked me to go with her to Kansas City for the appointment.

She's had to stay in Hannibal and keep working while Bill has been seeing doctors across the state. It's been rough on her. I think she feels guilty that she hasn't been there for him, but she's also needed to keep working to pay the bills.

Of course I told her I would make every effort to be there with them both.

When I was in the hospital last month, mom didn't bat an eye. She just came down. I know she was exhausted, but still she came. The first night, when I was so drugged up, she spent the night with my cousin. Friday night, after my treatment, when the pain medicine went away and I was scared to death and lonely, she stayed in my room with me.

Of course, that's what parents do. It's what I would do for Elijah, Heidi or Hailey. But as we get older, I think we sometimes need to return the favor.

I'm terrified to go to Kansas City. To see Bill. I haven't seen him or really talked to him since the diagnosis became more clear. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

On Monday, I will be be with them both, finding out what the future holds for our family.

It's going to be a defining moment for me, I think, finding out whether or not I am strong enough to be able to go through with it. To find out whether or not I can be a rock for my mother while she watches her husband go through what is likely to be a life-ending illness.

I was thinking very hard the other night about how strange it feels that the patriarch of our family probably won't be around much longer and that very soon I will fill that role for my own kids. Not that I am not their father now, just that I will be the "top of the line." It's a very uneasy feeling for someone who continually has demonstrated his ability to make wrong, irresponsible decisions.

I interviewed for a job several years ago, and the managing editor at that paper told me the story of him asking his father for advice when he was unsure whether or not to propose to the woman he eventually married.

His father, he said, told him, "Son, a time comes when you have to be a man or an asshole."

For my mother's sake - and for mine - I hope she can see her son be a man.

Bad boys, bad boys

So the cop involved in this video is being sued. Thank God.

And from Illinois, we have this story. I hope he spends a long time in prison.

And from Dallas, there is this story of jerkoff cops.

I've got a bit of a problem with authority, yes, but I think that when people in power abuse that power - even a little bit - it only reinforces the idea that "Big Brother" is out to get us.

And that's why I whole-heartedly support the idea of making penalties for law enforcement or other public official who break the law much more severe than they are for the rest of society.

Taking an oath to serve and protect should not be akin to having an excuse to go on an adrenaline-fueled power trip whenever you feel like it.

On the subject of change

I made a pretty drastic change Saturday night in my appearance. I was getting ready to go out for the evening, and on a whim mentioned to my friend Landon that I was thinking of buzzing off my hair.

Landon, being the good and ever-supportive friend that he is, said, "Do it, girl!"

I did it.

And after much worry, I have to admit that the reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. Plus, I think that I actually kind of like it, myself.

I'll try to get a pic up tonight. Stay tuned!

Changing times

It seems like life is in a constant state of upheaval lately; not just for me, but for several of my friends, as well.

A wake-up call for me at work a few weeks ago and news that my stepfather (in the best-case scenario) has about a 20% chance of survival have been weighing heavily on me. Not to mention the fact that I've really been struggling with some serious identity issues over the past few months, anyhow.

And I'm watching a couple people who are nearly as close to me as my skin go through similar ordeals. Both have been there for me whenever I've needed them, and both are pillars in my life. They are so incredibly strong; much, much stronger than either gives themselves credit for being.

I'm also watching some friends' careers and education taking off, and I am so proud of them.

My brother and his fiancee are preparing to be married later this year, and I am so proud of them both and of the new family they are going to build. My sister and her husband have welcomed a daughter into the world in the last year, and they are making a wonderful life for all their children.

Still, I can't help but wonder: Where am I going?

I know that with as much change as there is in my life and in the lives of those around me, something huge must be on the horizon.

All I can do is be patient and let life reveal itself to me. But anyone who knows me knows that patience is not a virtue for which I have much regard!

In the meantime, I remain eternally grateful for those who have been there to support me and eternally vigilant for the need to return the favor.

Peaks and valleys

Not everything is life is fun and games. Work can be great, and it also can suck ass. Friendships are the same.

It's hard, sometimes, when things get rough, to fight the initial urge to just bail out and run.

I had a friend recently who pointed out one of my biggest flaws. He did it in a moment of anger, after we had exchanged a couple snarky comments. I was pouring shots for he, another friend and I, and when I brought the shots to them, they both said they didn't want them. The other friend told me to just do them all.

Well, Friend No. 1 turned to No. 2 and told her, "He's diabetic. He doesn't need to do that."

My initial reaction, thanks to the alcohol, came flying out: "No one tells me what I can or cannot do."

And then I walked out of the room. After doing the shots, of course.

Friend No. 2 eventually left, and No. 1 and I had what started out to be a very angry conversation about what had just transpired.

"You know when X (another friend, but he wasn't involved in this night) called you pretentious?" he asked. "It's because you're a know-it-all."

This time, though, I fought my initial urge, which was to get pissed off and leave, and instead I heard him out. He told me how I have made him feel like shit on certain occasions, and how it really hurt his feelings.

I humbled myself and apologized because I knew it to be true. I have a bad habit of not really letting people know who I am and of always keeping them at arm's distance. It's a defense mechanism because I don't think people will like me if they know the real me.

I also took the opportunity to express some of the things that this friend had done that had hurt my feelings, and we talked about why those things had happened. Best of all, we ended the conversation smiling and parted with a hug.

It was a very healthy give-and-take, and I woke up the next morning feeling completely relieved and refreshed and grateful that I had taken such a huge step of personal growth and that our friendship had become that much stronger.

Peaks and valleys all in one night, to be sure. But the funny part about climbing those peaks and descending into those valleys is the fact that each summit you top makes you that much stronger and that much more ready to climb the next one.

Wow!

Without a doubt, this is one of the funniest things I ever have seen. Thanks to my friend Trent for posting it as a note on his Facebook page and alerting me to it.

Holy. Shit.

Did you all see this? I mean, my God...

So if my *shudder to think about it* girlfriend decided to sit on the toilet for more than 20 minutes, I'm saying "Fuck it, I'm outta here." But TWO FUCKING YEARS?

Here's my question, though: How often did she flush?

Only in Kansas, man... Only in Kansas.

Third time is the charm!

Though I'd keep up today's string of music posts with one more video. This one is by the White Stripes. This is their song "You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)." It's a great cut from their "Icky Thump" album.

And one more...

This one isn't stuck in my head, but I was talking about it Sunday night and thought I'd post it for a big Wynonna fan I know.

Holy get-this-fucking-song-out-of-my-head, Batman!

I have this problem where if I get a song in my head, I have to listen to it all the way through to get it out. Sometimes, I have to listen to it over, and over, and over and over again.

This morning is was "Delta Dawn." There is NO WAY a 13-year-old girl should be singing this!

I swear to God, the must be a damn drag queen living in my head.

WATCH IT! SUFFER WITH ME!

Thank God for antidepressants

I got some news today that seems to solidify the fact that my stepfather has cancer. We're still not 100 percent sure, but the doctor apparently believes it to be the case.

It's such a weird emotional time for me. On the one had, I lived in absolute fear of him for a lot of years. On the other hand, he's the closest thing I have had to a father for the last 20+ years.

I don't know what to think. As soon as I got off the phone with mom tonight, I lost it. And I've pretty much been bawling my fucking eyes out all night since.

All I can say is that I have no clue what I would be doing right now if I didn't have the Wellbutrin.

Wednesday

Weather.com says it's supposed to be 63. Dave Murray says 70. I'm sure as hell hoping that Dave Murray is right.

Thank GOD!!!

I took a nice little walk this afternoon. Not for exercise, really, mind you. It was just an excuse to spend time with Landon's dog, Grady, who just might be my most favorite dog ever. I love dogs, but unfortunately, I am allergic to them; having one in my own house causes absolute misery. I know there are way around that, but when Jerod had his dog, Moe, here, I pretty much was stuffed up and wheezing all the time.

Anyhow, walking the dog is not the point.

Point is, while Grady and I were walking, I saw something that nearly made me weep. See those little yellow crocuses up there? They were in bloom this afternoon. Which means that THIS FUCKING HORRIBLE-ASS, PIECE OF SHIT WINTER IS ALMOST GONE!

Anyone who really knows me knows that I love winter and cold. I truly do. The snow, the brisk wind... all of it! (Come on, I'm fat and I sweat and there's only so much clothing I can take off during the summer!)

However, this winter has been miserable. It has been cold and snowy and icy off and on since November. Five months of winter is too much!

I can't wait for spring this year. I can't wait for green trees, flower beds bursting with color, Tower Grove Park bustling with life! It's going to be an amazing spring, I can tell.

Maybe it's just the Wellbutrin, but I don't really care. It's time to celebrate rebirth!

By request

So I live in the gayborhood. At least, that's what my neighbor/bestie Landon calls the little area in which we live. It's one of those up-and-coming areas that has a lot of historic architecture and is being rehabbed to make it really nice.

We live in one of the buildings that has been totally rehabbed from the ground up. Granted, the exterior is not all that great, but the interiors are superb, particularly given the money that we are paying for rent.

Anyhow, it's a really nice little area.

Except, that is, for one four-family building across the street. It's the kind of place where you NEVER see any adults but about 86 children and teens coming and going at all hours. Loudly. It's pretty fucking annoying.

Not to mention the fact that people are always knocking on one of the doors, standing there while it's cracked just a bit, having a brief exchange and then leaving.

Normally this would not bother me. I am the kind of person who lets people do what they choose. I tend to mind my own business like that. Except for the fact that last year on July 4, one of the teens living there called me a "faggot" and threw a lit firecracker at my roommate and me.

Oh well... I guess it's good to know that if I need crack, it's 200 feet away.

The rules

I was explaining the Lewtonian Physics to my friend Landon the other night, and it occurred to me that perhaps I should share them with the world. I can't claim authorship of all these laws, but they all have some reference to me:

LAW 1: An object at rest tends to stay at rest until introduced to the presence of alcoholic beverages, at which point it goes into motion until it either meets an immovable object or ruins a close personal friendship.

LAW 2: The velocity of your ineptitude, multiplied by the degree of your intent, equals utter destruction.

LAW 3: If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

Law 1 was first theorized by my friends Mike and Tim, after many years of observation of me.

Law 2 was first theorized by my friends Jerod, Andrew, Matt and me at a fast-food joint in central Missouri after a float trip in Eminence, Mo. Another of our friends had decided to hide the key to his girlfriend's car so no one could mess with his stuff. hid it so well, in fact, that he couldn't find it and was stuck waiting for HOURS for a locksmith.

Law 3 was first theorized after a night on the East Side with my friends Jerod, Kevin and Gabe. We had left a trashy bar and were heading home when I decided to make a left turn. Problem is, there was no street there, just a curb and a bank parking lot. I remembered the event, but Gabe didn't. In his book, it never happened.

What the hell?

So tonight, within about 4 minutes, I heard two Queen songs.

One was some trashy, robotic skank who sang "Who Wants to Live Forever," and the other was "You're My Best Friend" on some cruise ship commercial.

I got on YouTube, and I found my favorite Queen song, "Somebody to Love."

And believe it or not, but I used to be able to sing EVERY NOTE in this song!

Listen, bitches!

Feeling pretty lucky

I'm sitting at home. The TV is on but playing softly, and all the lights are off. It's incredibly peaceful, and I'm having some quite reflection time.

It's amazing, really.

I have to say that, in this moment, I feel truly blessed.

I have the three most wonderful children in the world. They are smart, kind, funny and empathetic, and they make me incredibly happy whenever I am around them or whenever I talk to them.

And I have a group of friends that are amazing. They stand by me, loving and supporting me. Truly me, with all my positive traits, as well as all my faults, and I cannot thank them enough.

I don't know why I felt the need to post this. It just came to me, and I felt like sharing.

Day three

I am now on my third day of Wellbutrin, and I have to say that it appears to be making some difference. I wouldn't call it monumental or anything, but it definitely is helping.

The biggest drawback is the fact that I have been a bit jittery, but I think that will subside.

Ever wonder what the hell is going on?

So do I.

I'm finding myself in a terrible rut right now, and I don't know why.

Now, granted, I have a lot of stuff going on.

My stepfather has an as-yet-unidentified illness in his lungs. Neither of the mostly likely diagnoses have him living much longer. And while he and I have not always seen eye-to-eye, and while I have at times both hated and feared him, the fact remains that for nearly 21 years, he has been the closest thing to a father I've had.

Work really sucks right now. I'm not going to go into specifics, strictly because this is an open blog.

Of course, my romantic life has been nonexistent.

And I'm getting tired of the first thing that comes out of people's mouths to me being, "Is everything OK? You look really down."

While I was driving home to Hannibal last night (driving time is my "think-about-things-and-unwind time), I was lucky enough to have a conversation with a friend about the effects of depression. I've suffered from depression in the past, and I don't want to go back down that road.

I can't neglect, though, the fact that I do think it is happening again.

Trouble sleeping over the last few months... General feeling of blah... Lack of appetite at times... Drinking too much... Mood swings... Nightmares and daydreams about death... All classic signs.

So I decided that I am going to call my doctor this week about an antidepressant. After spending more than two years on medication before, I can't say that I am thrilled about it.

Thursday night, though, I got a real eye-opener. A dear friend of mine pointed out that I have been neglectful in that relationship. (Mind you, this conversation was happening moments after a STUPID fight with another dear friend.) She also pointed out that while I have fucked up - a LOT - I am not a fuckup.

I think that if I were to ignore all the things that are happening in my life right now and the symptoms of depression that are mounting, I would be going beyond fucking up and into the realm of being a fuckup.

Anyhow, I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I will keep trudging along.

Sorry...

I know I haven't really posted much of anything of substance lately. It's been a rough week or so.

I got some pretty bad news about a family member's health, and it really hit me harder than I thought it would. (I'd say more, but that this point we don't really know for sure what is going on exactly.) He's meeting with a specialist tomorrow afternoon to find out what's next, but there is this thought that he won't be around much longer that keeps lingering over my whole family.

I'm going home this weekend to be with my folks, so I don't know how much I'll be posting. Hopefully some, though!

Down on Avenue Q

Some friends and I went to see "Avenue Q" on Sunday at the Fabulous Fox Theatre. In short, it was amazing. Think "Sesame Street," but X-rated.

A couple of the friends were put off a bit by the sight of cute puppets having dirty, filthy, ugly sex, but I nearly wet myself.

Thank god the guy setting next to me who smelled like a taco bar left at intermission!

Here are a couple video clips from the show (not Sunday's show, but "Avenue Q" in general):

"The Internet is for Porn"



"If You Were Gay" (with a twist!)



"Popular" (From "Wicked," done by two "Q" characters!)



My favorite characters, though, are the Bad Idea Bears. Unfortunately, I found no video of them. Not that I looked all that thoroughly. Anyhow, they're the cutest things EVER, and they totally will bring you a noose when you feel like a loser! My friend Landon, about 3 seconds after they were introduced on the stage, looked at me and told me I am his Bad Idea Bear. Awwwwww....