One last thing before bed

Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet

There's just something about the words "cock" and "chop" being used in the same sentence that kinda freaks me out.

Oh well...

I was going to tell everyone tonight the story of my awesome weekend; however, work decided to intervene.

And I was going to do it right now, but I have a freelance project to hurry up and finish. Except that I think I really am going to go to bed while I have the chance. Another half-hour, and I think I will be starting a few days of insomnia.

So good night!

A simple gift

I've spent the past few minutes with tears in my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, they are not tears of sadness. Rather, I've been moved by a touching gesture by my friends Gabe and James. The silly bitches bought me a charm bracelet watch at Target that has Zac Efron's face on it, along with the "High School Musical 2" logo.

It's a simple gift, to be sure, but one that totally touched me.

I feel sometimes like I completely give myself away, to the point, often, that I don't even have a piece of myself left to hold on to. And in the moments of weakness when I need me, I don't have it. Often in those moments, I do something stupid or rude or hateful or embarrassing or inappropriate and end up feeling like a huge asshole. Then I feel like everyone is going to abandon me, but in reality, I have abandoned myself.

I've been trying the last few days to let my anger at myself go, to forgive myself for things that really did not bring about the end of the world. And to get the invitation to come hang out tonight and then receiving such a simple little homo gift really cemented (I hope it's that permanent, anyhow) in me the fact that my friends do love me, and that they will be there for me. Not just for me... With me.

This isn't the only gift I've received lately, either. Andrea a couple weeks ago gave me some magnets that were naked men wearing only strategically placed oven mitts. And Carrie has sent me some cards in the past couple months that truly made me smile. Jimmy invited me to his place to have a glass of wine sometime. Landon wanted me to have a cigarette with him, but I was downtown getting my watch. Sarah tells me nearly every single day that she loves me.

All these things really are gifts, precious ones at that, because of their simplicity. That's why I am attaching these two videos to this post. The song in both is "Simple Gifts," an old Shaker dance song from the 19th century.

The song was really popularized by Aaron Copland in the score for the ballet "Appalachian Spring." The video above is his orchestration of the song, with pictures taken by Ansel Adams. The video below is the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles singing the song.

Life truly is beautiful when you can appreciate the simple things.

Lyrics:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

What's up, doc?

I just got back from the doctor a bit ago.

The conversation went something like this:

ME: So my right shoulder and arm are in a lot of pain.

DR. P: Here, I'll give you some pain meds.

ME: Will these knock me out?

DR. P: Nope.

ME: Damn. Got anything stronger?

DR. P: Well, then here is some vicodin, percocet and dilaudid.

Okay, so that last part didn't really happen. The doctor just thinks I have some nerve inflammation in my shoulder and hip (I had some weird reflex stuff in my right leg going on, too) that is causing the pain.

He gave me some celebrex and lyrica, so we'll see how these work out. I have to take them for two weeks, which for the time being brings the number of different pills that I have to take each day to 5. Ugh.

He also did draw blood, which sucked. Ugh.

However, I did lose 6 more pounds over the past 3 weeks, which makes me VERY happy!

More pains in my ... errr ... shoulder

I'm going to the doctor in a few minutes to have my shoulder checked out. I sincerely hope he doesn't take this opportunity to poke me with about 8 needles, like every other appointment. Ugh.

Also, here's hoping he gives me some good pain meds. :)

Ow-wy

I have had an incredible pain in the back of my right arm since last Wednesday. For several days, I've figured it to be a strained triceps or something to that effect from an over-eager stint at the gym.

But as it has grown worse the past couple days, I've started to think that maybe it's stress and tension.

Today, I am convinced. My whole right arm is knotted up, including up through my shoulder and into my neck. I just left a message with my doctor's office... I am hoping something can be done!

Post script

While all these thoughts were running through my head last night/this morning, this song popped into my head. I sang a VERY different version of it in a musical called "Smoke on the Mountain" once, but I remember hearing this one as a kid. The song is called "Wouldn't Take Nothing for my Journey Now."

Could it really have happened?

Once again, I had a night relatively free of sleep. Not that I wasn't tired, mind you; I was exhausted. And sober. (Well, I had 5 or 6 drinks over the course of several hours, but God knows that's not a lot for me.)

Anyhow, I had written a couple weeks ago about having some giant realization on the horizon that I couldn't quite identify. I'm not so sure that it didn't become painfully clear while I was starting to drift off. And when it did, it woke me right the hell up.

I'm not ready to put it here yet. I don't even know if I am ready to express it yet at all. Once I have processed, though, I will share. It's something else.

Growing pains

Sarah just reminded me of something that is very, very true: growth and healing is not always pretty. How true.

Let me start by saying that the Wellbutrin really is doing great things for me. It has slowed my brain down so much and really allowed me to calm down about a lot of things. The downside to this is that it really has allowed me to realize what a douchebag I have been the last month or so. I've made some serious mistakes in some friendships, misinterpreted some situations and blown some things out of proportion. And it hasn't been fair to me or to the people around me.

This all hit me tonight at the gym while I was in the tanning bed. After tanning, I got on the elliptical, and I wasn't on it for more than 5 minutes when I had to run to the bathroom to vomit. The thought of how juvenile I have been just overwhelmed me.

So now, I know what I have to work on. It's not pretty.

I know I have it in me to change, and I know that once something is learned it cannot be unlearned. That is the good thing.

Again, I have a lot to fix. But it will be fixed.

Not too shabby

My friend Sarah found this video and posted it on my Facebook page. I have no idea what the guy's name is, but he's covering Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody," and he's doing it solo and acoustic. His voice has its moments, and there are the occasional pitch problems, but on the whole it's a pretty ballsy performance.

God I love The Onion!

I Love My Country–Aw, Who Am I Kidding? My Country Can Go Fuck Itself

Nothing like some good sarcasm. Particularly when it's hateful!

Some goals

I've decided that, in order to move forward and really start making changes in my life, I first need to identify what is most wrong and set some goals to change them. I'm not saying that my life is a big clusterfuck, because, well, it's not. I've got a good job, good friends, a nice place to live, and, most importantly, a GREAT relationship with my children. But that does not mean there isn't room for improvement.

PROBLEM: Spending too much time with the same people over and over again.
GOAL: Make it a point to reach out to other friends and include them in my life. I know that some of my friends have become discontent lately with the fact that I haven't spent much time with them. And others have become discontent, as well, that I have been spending too much time with them. Somewhere there has to be a happy balance, and I need to find it.

PROBLEM: Going out WAY too much.
GOAL: There are a few here, actually.
1. Read more. I used to devour books (not literally, though if I did it certainly would explain how I got to be so damned fat). Lately, I am luck if I read one every couple months or so. My goal is to read at least two a month now.
2. Go to the gym. I've done really well working out. I've lost weight and been able to increase my strength and cardio conditioning. I really am proud of myself for that. I can do better, though. I want to lose another 25 pounds by the time I have my kids for vacation in mid-July. I've never been to a water park, simply because I am embarrassed to have my shirt off in public. I want that to change. I want to take them to a water park and have a great time. Hell, even if we can't do a water park, I want to be able to take them to a public pool.
3. Knit more. I love knitting. I really do. Yes, yes... I know this makes me way too gay; I don't give a shit. It's so relaxing. I want to make at least one project this year for all of my closest friends.
4. Spend more time with family. Ugh. I can't believe I am saying this, but I really have been neglectful of my family. Even with spending more time with my mother during my stepfather's illness (that we still have no clue what the hell it is), I can do better. I can go home randomly. I can call more.

PROBLEM: Poor mental health.
GOAL: I've taken a big step toward alleviating this problem simply by getting on Wellbutrin, but medication alone will not fix everything. I must change behaviors. So I going to tell myself everyday to stop worrying and to stop catastrophizing (not a word, I know) every problem that does come up. Not all problems are going to be fixed in a day. Or a week. Or hell, maybe not even in a lifetime. But I have to trust that the people who love me always will love me, no matter what. I've realized lately just how many people do love me, and it means the world; it truly does. Now I just have to accept that and let them love me. I had a huge revelation while talking to my friend Sarah (who will be officially older than me in 45 minutes) the other day: Not all the problems and blame that I put upon myself need to be there. I didn't make any of the people who have hurt me do it. It's their fault. I can let go of the guilt and let in the love. It's not going to be easy changing 31 years of behavior, but I can get there if I start taking baby steps.

PROBLEM: Loneliness.
GOAL: I am not making finding a boyfriend a goal here. I think that would be self-defeating, because having someone else in my life will not solve my problems. What I am making a goal is to be the kind of person that someone would want to have for a boyfriend and then trusting fate to take care of things. And I am making it a goal to actually put myself out there a little bit. I have this bad habit of saying no for people; I can't do that. If they say no, then so be it. Their loss. I also am resolving to stop being "easy." Now, I think we all have slipups and sleep with people we regret. I need to minimize that and if it happens not beat myself up.

Can I do all of these things? Not tomorrow. I can start trying, though. One phrase that I learned from my stints going to AA meetings has stuck with me: Progress, not perfection. As long as I keep moving forward, I can't stay stuck where I am.

New respect for Hillary!

I am an Obama supporter, no doubt about it. However, I saw this on CNN today, and it gave me new respect for Hillary Clinton. Get it, girl!

Quite a turnaround

For as insanely and hideously awful as last week was, this week has been quite the opposite.


I previously wrote about Chris coming for a visit early in the week. It was so nice to see him. Any time someone travels to spend time with me, it makes me feel good. And Chris really is a good person, too. For example, Monday night we were at home, and Landon messaged me to see if I had, by chance, a hacksaw to cut a dowel rod. I didn't, of course, but I did have an assload of old knives that would do the trick. Since Landon had been a bit under the weather for the previous couple days, Chris took it upon himself to handle the "sawing" himself. Right up to cutting his finger open.


That's just like Chris, though, to take on anything to help someone, even a relative stranger. I was sad when he had to leave on Tuesday morning, and I can't wait to see the photos he took in the parks.

Tuesday, my ex-wife called me and told me that she had around 30 rolls of film that we had taken over the time we were dating and married developed and was going to give me CDs of them all. I cried a little over the fact that she thought enough of me still to do that. I am quite grateful to her for it.

Also Tuesday, Landon, Jerod and I went out for a couple pitchers of beer (and then on to another bar for a bucket of beer... ugh...). It was the first time the three of us had hung out together since last summer, and it was such a good time. There had been a lot of awkwardness over things since then, and it was nice to see that erased. I really count on them both more than even I sometimes realize.


And it's just nice in general that since Jerod has graduated, there has been such a relief of tension. It feels like my brother has returned after a long journey.


I also found resolution in the situation involving a friend that I wrote about Saturday. It's funny that such a horrible situation actually stems from not wanting to hurt the other's feelings. We both let some things bottle up inside us instead of actually expressing when we were angry at each other at the moment. So then that anger just came pouring out at the most inopportune time. We've vowed to not let that happen again, and I think our friendship will be stronger for it.

In all, it's been a time of great growth, and I hope it continues.

Finally

I've been able to get some sleep the last couple nights, thank God. Actual restful sleep, at that.

I also was fortunate enough over the weekend to host for a couple days a young friend who only recently came out, though not yet to his family. It was great being able to introduce him to some of my friends in hope that they could be positive gay role models. And from what he said, that is exactly what happened.

Anyhow, on the whole, it was a great couple of days.

Looking inward

I've been blessed to have some truly wonderful people in my life. My friends all are great people, each in very unique ways, and I love them all.

Unfortunately, over the years, there have been a handful of situations where I have driven them away. I've had HUGE fights with several of them, and it's not been pretty. Most of those friendships never have been the same, and it hurts. In one situation, the friendship has totally been severed.

I look at all those situations, and I realize that the common denominator in all those situations is me. I am a very flawed person. I've got a knack for driving people away like you would not believe.

It's come up again recently, and I don't know what to do. I'm lost. And at a loss. The whole damn thing sucks ass. And not in the good way. It's rough, but I am hopeful that things will work out.

I'm preparing myself, though, for the possibility that they won't.

I guess only time will tell.

To sleep: perchance to dream

I have this little condition whereby when I am stressed or nervous, I can't sleep. Like, at all. Needless to say, I have been a little stressed lately.

Tuesday night, despite having enough booze in me to put down a rhino (don't do that, they are endangered), I managed exactly zero hours of sleep. Nada. None. In fact, when I went to bed, I knew it wasn't going to happen, so I didn't even bother to set my alarm.

Last night, I didn't see it happening, either, so I sat down and started watching some old Bette Davis movies around 11 or so. I watched "All About Eve." And "The Virgin Queen." And "Phone Call from a Stranger." And I started watching "Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte," but lo and behold, around 5:15 a.m. I nodded off for a bit. Don't worry, though, I was back awake at 7:34. At least, that's what my phone said.

It's quite possibly my least favorite thing about myself, my inability to completely clear my mind and just relax. I normally have about 18,000 things going through my head at any given minute. The Wellbutrin has brought that down significantly, but there still are dozens of thoughts going on at once.

And right now, not all of them are positive.

Anyhow, I'd like to take a nap right now, but I know it's not possible. I'll sit here and try to relax and clear my head as much as I can. But since I doubt that works, either, maybe I'll just go see if I can find some sleep in a pitcher or three of beer.

Wow.

I saw this story today about a group of THIRD GRADERS who were plotting to attack and stab their teacher, and it just blows me away. My oldest is in second grade now, and I can't even fathom the possibility of him having thoughts like this in another year. Just wow.

Note to self

Don't drive in Colorado.

A highlight from Easter weekend

This actually happened:



Needless to say, the Lewton boys were in fine form:



Loves it.

It's been a while

Get ready for a long one, folks. And let's face it: Who doesn't love a long one?

I'm sitting down around 12:30 a.m. to pour my heart out into a little box of plastic, silicon and metal, watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's," listening to the opening strains of Henry Mancini's "Moon River." It's been a long day, and it's been an even longer week.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. Or, at least, where I left off last time – heading to Kansas City for my stepfather's visit with the doctor. Come to find out, all the doctors so far were apparently wrong. The PET scan revealed no cancer.

However, the three options that remain are not pleasant. Either he has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, or he has asbestosis, or his heart is failing.

It's a mixed blessing, really. While it appears that death is not imminent, what remains of his life will not be pleasant. And I don't really know what to think about this.

I was ready to deal with the worst, or what I thought was the worst, and life, of course, threw me a curveball. In some ways, I think I might have been hoping it was cancer. It seems somehow that it would have been more humane.

And this really is selfish of me. I mean, I have friends who recently have lost parents, and I still have mine. Here I am thinking that it would be better for one of mine to die sooner. I have more time with him; I should be thankful.

So there was that.

My doctor doubled my dose of Wellbutrin on Wednesday, and I think it really is starting to make a difference. The absolute giddy happiness that I initially felt has subsided, but I am starting to feel a real inner happiness and finding some confidence in myself.

That fact is compounded by the fact that I weighed – what the hell, I'll tell you – 256 pounds. A lot to be sure. But in 1999, right before I got married, I weighed 336 pounds. I nearly cried on the scales that day, and 9 years later, I nearly cried again when I realized I have officially lost 80 POUNDS!

And then I started thinking about the fact that if – WHEN – I lose 20 more pounds, I will have lost 100 pounds. I legitimately see this happening by summer at the rate I am going. I'm so excited and proud of myself that it's not funny.

Thursday night, my roommate graduated from the police academy and officially became a cop. I'm so proud of him for that. Jerod and I have had our differences and fought and had a rough time the last several months, but seeing him on that stage, accepting his badge and finally achieving his lifelong dream brought tears to my eyes.

Friday, I got word two of my best friends, Sarah and Landon, that they both had serious personal issues that they were trying to deal with. And given that the two of them really have carried me (others have helped, too, and I will get to them in a bit) through the last few weeks – hell, months – I was worried sick about them.

And it killed me that I couldn't physically be there for either of them, as I had to work that night. I realize looking back that I was taking their problems and making them about me somehow. Which certainly is not good.

That night, we celebrated Jerod's graduation at a popular bar here, and had a good time. Up until I started to have a panic attack. I think it was just the combination of me being tired, the increased dosage of medication, all the anxiety about Sarah and Landon, trying to make sure Jerod had fun, the incredible mass of people there and the lesbian who was trying to give me fashion tips that did it, but I had to leave the place.

Getting home, I did see Landon for a bit and was able to talk with him some. That gave me relief, but again, I was making it about me in my head, I realize.

Saturday, I spent most of the day helping him with some things, and I had a long talk with Sarah about how things were going for her. It was nice, for me, to be able to do nice things for them both. It made me feel better. Needed. Even though, I think, I pushed my way into helping Landon. Again, I made his issues about me in my head. Very unhealthy.

I ended up hitting the gym, and after a bit of a change in plans, I met my co-worker and dear friend Gabe downtown for a few beers. It was sort of a weird experience; on a Saturday night in a crowded downtown bar full of slutty-looking women, the only two guys in the place not chasing poontang (ew!) were the two homos at the bar eating nachos. It was priceless, really!

That night when I got home, I got a few drunk dials from friends. I love drunk dials from friends; in fact, they are among my favorite things. The first two were significant because they were from two of my dearest friends and both of them ended the conversations by telling me that they loved me. And it gave me such a great feeling.

I tell my friends that I love them all the time. It's something I've done since high school. My theater director taught us to do it because, as he said, you never know when you won't be able to say it to the people who need to hear it.

This was the first time, though, that I think either of them said it to me first. (I'm withholding their names here – they know who they are – because they're not the important part of this anecdote; rather, I want to share what it meant to me to hear it.) I have such issues trusting that people will like or accept me. If you've been reading my previous posts, you understand this. Hearing these words from these two people, "unsolicited" so to speak, for some reason just filled me with an amazing amount of trust. I was so happy that I thought my heart would explode.

Sunday, after a SUPER intense workout, Landon and I went out and met up with Jerod and some other friends. It was one of the most fun nights I have had in a long time. Jerod met a guy, Landon got some numbers and a really sexy man said some really provocative things to me and told me I am hot. So I wasn't as productive as they were, but hey, it's a start! Not a bad night at all, in my book.

The night was made all the better because of how I felt before I walked out the door. Looking in the mirror right before we left, I actually thought to myself, "Hey, I look good." For someone with the self-esteem issues that I have, this is HUGE. Mostly because I actually meant it!

I wish I had a picture of myself from Sunday, but here is one that was taken recently:



Anyhow, it's not the best as far as photo quality, but it's pretty much what I look like right now. And I'm starting to like it!

I fact, I was so confident that I actually sang karaoke. That's nothing new for me. But I was sober when I sang karaoke. (For the first song, anyhow!) And then... In a gay bar... I karaoked Cher's "Dark Lady." It was a hot mess, though not a tranny hot mess!

More proof that a fun-loving, confident Jason is starting to come out of his shell. I'd like to be able to say coming back, but I honestly don't know that he's ever really been around. Maybe on the surface, but I've never really known him.

I've been on antidepressants before, and I've been to therapy. I KNOW what is right and what is wrong, what is healthy and what is unhealthy. I know that I've thought I've been well before, but it was never in a period where I was totally "out." I mean, I always was hiding something about me from someone or someplace. And now I am not.

And for the first time, open and accepting about my sexuality, I am starting to like myself. There is a long way to go, I know, but dammit, I see light!

This whole period has taught me a lot about people, about who my friends are and about who really matters.

I've mentioned Sarah and Landon; they have been rocks for me recently. For that I love them deeply as though they were my own family. Jerod, about whom another friend once told me she knew he and I always would be friends because no matter how bad things got, we never give up on each other. It's been rough, but I really think things will get better. Soon.

That other friend was Carrie. She has been such an unexpected source of comfort and inspiration for me lately. She always has a smile and kind words to say. Twice recently, I have received cards in the mail from her just letting me know that she was thinking about me. Such a generous, loving gesture. I hope she realizes that she doesn't need to be or do everything for all people because she deserves to be happy, too, dammit!

And another friend, Jimmy, who I knew pretty well, but who has become a great resource over the last couple months. Thank you, thank you, thank you... your empathy has been a tremendous source of courage.

But most of all, I think I need to be proud of and thankful for myself. It's not been an easy life. I'm not saying I've had it exceptionally rough, but it seems like it's been one trauma after another, and dammit, I'm still here. I'm still kicking. I'm still learning.

I like the glimpses of what I am seeing happen. I've got a lot to do still, I know. I've got good people to help me, though, and I am starting to believe that I have the strength to make a good life for myself.

And I think I am starting to have the courage to let myself be happy.

Well, if you've made it this far, thanks for staying with me.

The movie is ending now. I think it's time for bed, my huckleberry friend.