Where were you exactly nine years ago?

Not many of us likely will be able to answer that question. I can, though.

Nine years ago, at this very moment, I was in my bed at the first house that my ex-wife and I rented, staring at the ceiling. I was nervous as hell, because in less than 10 hours, I would be married.

It's funny how things work out. I laid there that night praying - begging, really - for the strength to be able to make the marriage work. A few short years later, I would be praying for the strength to end the marriage.

On one hand, I wish that things would have been different. I wish that I never had gotten to know her, then maybe both of our lives would have turned out a lot better. On the other hand, I am proud of the woman that she has become and am most assuredly blessed with the three children that we have together.

Was that time together easy? God, no! We had our ups and downs, our fights, our good times and bad... I held her hand through childbirth and I held her hand (and corralled two toddlers) in a triage room while she miscarried what would have been our third child.

While the marriage was ending, we couldn't stand to be around each other. I reminded her that she was now "damaged goods" as she put it, and she reminded me that I once again had not lived up to expectations.

After we finally separated, we were both very flippant about things, acting as if being divorced was the most normal thing in the world. When she finally met someone that she fell in love with, things turned bad, and I am glad that they did. It finally gave us both the distance and closure that we needed.

We've worked through all that now, and I think we actually get along better now than we ever did. We are candid and frank with each other, we laugh, we disagree... We're adults, really. And it is amazing.

Things really have changed in the last decade or so, and I think it all is for the better.

In a few more weeks, she will be getting married again, and I am so happy for her. She deserves happiness. I wish I could be there, but I totally understand the awkwardness that would create.

Anyhow, Tobra, I wish you all the luck in the world. To borrow your phrase, "Happy Unniversary!"

A peaceful little moment!

I'm laying on my bed, sketching a logo for a local bar that might use it on T-shirts for a float in an upcoming parade, listening to a church carillon play "Let There be Peace on Earth" and thinking about my mom.

That always was her favorite song to sing in church; it's one of mine, too, if only because it's a reminder that to have a world in which you want to live, you have to work to make it so.

The nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time

My ex-wife told me this morning that I look anorexic... God bless her!

(Is it bad that I think this is great?!?)

When you have nothing else...

...you're left with faith. For me, having faith is a tough pill to swallow. Mostly, I think, because I believe that faith in anything starts with having faith in yourself. At least, I always have thought that.

But maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's exactly the opposite. Maybe you need to be willing to have faith to finally start having faith in yourself. Who knows.

I am finally starting to have some faith. Not in God or any of that (Sorry, I am not trying to write anything at all metaphysical here!). I am talking in people.

I have faith in the handful of people who always have stood by me no matter what.

I have faith that all the unpleasantness in a few relationships that I am dealing with will resolve themselves.

I have faith that all the sacrifices I have made and that I have asked my kids to make will work out for the best.

I have faith that by letting go and only focusing on what I can do for me I will begin to find some release.

I have faith...

Ok, so maybe not entirely. That's one of the beautiful parts of faith, though... It doesn't ever start out perfect and unwavering. It must be built. And maybe my allowing myself to start this foundation of faith, I can build a tower of faith in myself.

And if not, I am going to borrow a phrase that I heard from an AA sponsor... "If you don't have faith, fake it 'til you make it."

Exhausted!

It's been a long weekend, but one that I truly loved. I got my kids (it involved a lot of driving, but it was very much worth it), and we had a blast! We spent time with my mom's family on Saturday, swimming and having a general good time with 13 of her siblings and a shit-ton of my cousins.

Sunday was spent at mom's house, with me at the grill, naturally. Elijah and played catch for quite a while in the afternoon while the girls helped mom weed her flower beds.

In all, there really was nothing too exciting that happened, but just being there with them made it entirely special.

I hate that I won't see them again until late June, but I'm sure we'll all make the best of it!

And so it is...

...that things are changing. That's the one constant in life: It never remains the same.

It's the same way in soap operas; when two characters finally get to a place where all there issues are resolved and they are ready to live peacefully, they are written off the show. Why? No one watching soap operas to see a lack of drama.

In real life, drama drives people away. I've been told a lot recently that I have done a lot to creat drama in peoples' lives. And perhaps I have. No, in fact, I will admit that. I have done a lot to create drama.

Was it intentional? No. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened. It also doesn't change the fact that some of these same people have done a lot to interject drama into my life, as well. Did they mean to do it? I don't think so.

Fact is, I think everyone acts with the best of intentions with the best information they have available to them at the time. But life is not perfect. Shit happens, etc.

I am in an incredible state of flux right now. My roommate is moving out (I can't blame him, he really is getting a sweet deal, but that doesn't change the fact that it still hurts and makes me angry and that I keep getting this impression from our friends that I was the last person to know about it), one of my best friends is moving away (I can't blame him, either, inasmuch as the last few months have been more than rocky), and the one person I ever, I think, have truly been in love with finally is out of my life (not by his choice, but by mine; I can't take it anymore - I just hope that I am strong enough to hold myself to it!). I can't help any of those facts. I can just help me. So I have decided to NOT sit at home and mope. I have decided TO go on living.

I am pretty sure that I have a new roommate lined up to stay with me in this apartment that I love. I am re-establishing connections with friends that I have let slide away over the last year or so. I am reclaiming me, for no one BUT me.

I get to have my kids this weekend, and that thought is more than helping me through this; it really is propelling me!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday weekend, and I look forward to writing more about the fun times that I know I will be having!

P.S. I totally realize that the sixth graph of this post contains what is quite possibly the longest sentence that I ever have written. Tough shit. I couldn't write it any other way. To quote Eddie Murphy, "If you don't like it Lillian, you can get the fuck out."

Absolutely. Horrible.

If you had asked me earlier today what movie is the worst that I ever have seen, I probably would have told you "Across the Universe." I watched it with Landon and his roommate Jayme, and it was insipid, it had no plot and it totally massacred several great Beatles' tunes. (Not that I am a great Beatles fan, but come on... even they deserved better than that!) No one should EVER watch this movie!



However, this evening I had the good (?) fortune of sitting through "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist." Holy. Shit. Worst movie EVER!

That having been said, I am recommending it to EVERYONE. There are some movies that are so bad that everyone should see them just to be sure they know what a bad movie is. This "film" had an insipid underdeveloped plot, a bunch of sight gags that sucked, some really shitty acting and absolutely no sense of direction.

I watched it with my friend James, who had cooked dinner (a nice Sicilian-style feast!). I had the choice of movies, and while I could have went with "Goodfellas," any of the "Godfather" films, "Mambo Kings" or "The Big Lebowski," I chose this. I'm kind of glad that I did, simply for the fact that James and I had to sit through it together and share equally in the misery.

For anyone who has seen all the "Godfather" films, though, I will tell you that "Kung Pow" as least has this going for it: At least it didn't have Sofia Fucking Coppola in it.

Plus, there was one mildly intriguing scene that involved a remix of Wham Jam's "Black Betty."

Whew...

It's been my distinct honor the last couple weeks to help a very dear friend with some very big issues. I've written extensively in this venue about how much being able to help friends means to me, and being able to help in this situation was particularly meaningful.

When the friend I get to help is someone who is so vitally important in my life (more family than friend, really), and the situation is something that is causing him a lot of stress and angst, being able to lift some small part of that from his shoulders gave me some feeling of purpose. And seeing how much happier he looks and much more lightly he carries himself over the last few days has been more than payback.

Not that it's been a one-way street, either. He's helped me incredibly dealing with a couple issues over the same time, and it's incredibly appreciated. Asking for help is not something that I do really well, so humbling myself a bit and asking for it and seeing that he was willing to help was one more small step toward breaking the mold of closing myself off from the world and beginning to really trust people.

I guess I'm just saying that it's good when friendships work the way they are supposed to work.

I'm the next Spielberg, bitches

So I've been learning to edit video on the lovely iMovie program that came loaded on my MacBook. I really was intimidated by it at first, but on Saturday, with minimal effort, I was able to create this video in about 45 minutes. Not too bad, I think, considering it's only the second video I have edited!

Finally catching up!

RULES - Post rules before giving the facts - Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves - People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules - At the end of the your blog you need to tag three people and list their names - Leave them a comment on their blog, telling them they have been tagged and not to forget to read your blog.

1-I never have seen an ocean. Yes, this is sad. Even more sad is the fact that I am going to need one of my besties to be there with me when I finally do see one because I most likely am going to lose it. Seriously. That much openness and space... It truly will be overwhelming.

2-I hate tomatoes, but I used to love them. I don't remember this, of course, but my mother tells me that when I was a wee young lad of 4, we went to the Mississippi River on a hot summer day, and I ate more than my fair share of cherry tomatoes. To the point that I threw up. She tells me that since that day, I have refused to eat them. The only single exception that I can think of is the time that my good friend James, who is a chef, cooked a very nice meal for the two of us, but one of the first courses was a tomato/fresh mozzerrela plate... It looked so good, and he definitely had brushed off his French knife skills, so I felt obligated to eat it. And let me tell you, it was a chore... It's a shame that it looked SO GOOD!

3-I love to be naked in the dark and in water. I don't care if it's skinny dipping in a lake or river or just showering in the dark, it's amazing. This is aided by the fact that our bathroom is without windows, so I can be in complete darkness in the water every single day - and I am at least 4 mornings a week. (I shower every day, bitches, I just don't always do it in the dark... It ruins how special the moment is if you do it every day!)

4-I’m the oldest child among my blood-related siblings, and it shows. It's amazing, though, that my best friend in the world is the youngest of her siblings. I thought we weren't supposed to get along! Nonetheless, phone calls to her mother have been made at 2 in the a.m. just to proclaim our love for her!

5-I only have one gay friend that I can trust who loves me totally and completely. Don't get me wrong... I have a LOT of gay male friends; however, I only trust one of them to love me and be there for me no matter what. I don't think he reads this, though. Thank God I shared this fact with him Friday night. I am trying with all my might to love and trust a handful of others, but I am having a hard time convincing myself that I am worthy of having their friendship.

6-Watching Elijah boast about the fact that I taught him some batting tips between games during a baseball tournament over the weekend that paid off (he went 3-for-4 with 4 total RBIs after I talked to him!) was one of the single greatest moments of my life.

7- I have absolutely no desire to live past the age of 50... Which means that I have a little more 18 years to cram as much living into my life as I can!

8-I have lost nearly 90 lbs. The fact that my ex-wife shared pictures with me over the weekend convinced me to be proud of this. I saw myself cutting Elijah's umbilical cord, and it blew me away. I kept asking myself, "Who is that fat man with my baby?"

OK, now... I actually am going to call out 4 people for this one... DJB, JF, ES and CM, get your asses in gear and share with the world!

The century mark

This is post No. 100 for me, and I have nothing of importance to say here. Except that, if you are one of my friends and one of my favorite bartenders in the world who just found out that you have lung cancer, know that I love you and momentarily will be on my knees at the foot of my bed praying harder than I ever have prayed in my life for you.

And tomorrow/tonight, I am going to the Cubs/Cards game. We (the Cubs) are going to get our asses handed to us because Rich Hill is facing Adam Wainwright, but I don't care. It's going to be a blast, even if I end up going myself! (Don't think I haven't sat through more than one Cubs/Cards game by myself!)

OK, that's enough random ramblings for this night... It's time to go to sleep, bitches!