Some goals

I've decided that, in order to move forward and really start making changes in my life, I first need to identify what is most wrong and set some goals to change them. I'm not saying that my life is a big clusterfuck, because, well, it's not. I've got a good job, good friends, a nice place to live, and, most importantly, a GREAT relationship with my children. But that does not mean there isn't room for improvement.

PROBLEM: Spending too much time with the same people over and over again.
GOAL: Make it a point to reach out to other friends and include them in my life. I know that some of my friends have become discontent lately with the fact that I haven't spent much time with them. And others have become discontent, as well, that I have been spending too much time with them. Somewhere there has to be a happy balance, and I need to find it.

PROBLEM: Going out WAY too much.
GOAL: There are a few here, actually.
1. Read more. I used to devour books (not literally, though if I did it certainly would explain how I got to be so damned fat). Lately, I am luck if I read one every couple months or so. My goal is to read at least two a month now.
2. Go to the gym. I've done really well working out. I've lost weight and been able to increase my strength and cardio conditioning. I really am proud of myself for that. I can do better, though. I want to lose another 25 pounds by the time I have my kids for vacation in mid-July. I've never been to a water park, simply because I am embarrassed to have my shirt off in public. I want that to change. I want to take them to a water park and have a great time. Hell, even if we can't do a water park, I want to be able to take them to a public pool.
3. Knit more. I love knitting. I really do. Yes, yes... I know this makes me way too gay; I don't give a shit. It's so relaxing. I want to make at least one project this year for all of my closest friends.
4. Spend more time with family. Ugh. I can't believe I am saying this, but I really have been neglectful of my family. Even with spending more time with my mother during my stepfather's illness (that we still have no clue what the hell it is), I can do better. I can go home randomly. I can call more.

PROBLEM: Poor mental health.
GOAL: I've taken a big step toward alleviating this problem simply by getting on Wellbutrin, but medication alone will not fix everything. I must change behaviors. So I going to tell myself everyday to stop worrying and to stop catastrophizing (not a word, I know) every problem that does come up. Not all problems are going to be fixed in a day. Or a week. Or hell, maybe not even in a lifetime. But I have to trust that the people who love me always will love me, no matter what. I've realized lately just how many people do love me, and it means the world; it truly does. Now I just have to accept that and let them love me. I had a huge revelation while talking to my friend Sarah (who will be officially older than me in 45 minutes) the other day: Not all the problems and blame that I put upon myself need to be there. I didn't make any of the people who have hurt me do it. It's their fault. I can let go of the guilt and let in the love. It's not going to be easy changing 31 years of behavior, but I can get there if I start taking baby steps.

PROBLEM: Loneliness.
GOAL: I am not making finding a boyfriend a goal here. I think that would be self-defeating, because having someone else in my life will not solve my problems. What I am making a goal is to be the kind of person that someone would want to have for a boyfriend and then trusting fate to take care of things. And I am making it a goal to actually put myself out there a little bit. I have this bad habit of saying no for people; I can't do that. If they say no, then so be it. Their loss. I also am resolving to stop being "easy." Now, I think we all have slipups and sleep with people we regret. I need to minimize that and if it happens not beat myself up.

Can I do all of these things? Not tomorrow. I can start trying, though. One phrase that I learned from my stints going to AA meetings has stuck with me: Progress, not perfection. As long as I keep moving forward, I can't stay stuck where I am.