A great feeling

A friend said something to me the other day - well, he actually texted it to me - that stopped me dead in my tracks and made me so incredibly grateful to have him in my life. And not just him, either, but all the people that I hold dear.

Things with me at work have been pretty hectic, you see, what with the election and all. I volunteered to do the front page for some stupid reason. It ended up being quite an ordeal, but the result was pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

On election day, as I was headed to work, this friend, who knew how much I had been stressing out and who had seen the prototypes, texted me, saying, "You're gonna do GREAT, girl! Can't wait to see it!"

That was the start of what was a great night. But that wasn't the text that really got to me.

The next day, when I told him how we had sold out the run of the press and had printed 40,000 copies of an extra edition, he texted me, "Awesome!! I am SO PROUD of you!" And that's what blew me away.

I so rarely hear that from many people. My best friend S. says it to me a lot, and I love her dearly for it. But this was the first time recently that I can recall someone else saying it. I know it's sort of egotistical to think about stuff like that, but when someone that I hold dear and care a lot about and am quite proud of myself takes time to say that to me, well, it sticks with me. And makes me think about all the people I love and am proud of and about how I hope they know that.

But it also does something else... I mean, if someone else is proud of me, then surely, when I have done good work, it's OK for me to be proud of myself, right? I always feel guilty indulging feelings like that, but in this instance, I feel like it's all right.

And I owe that friend a debt of gratitude.

Sometimes...

... sitting in the dark in a quiet apartment is the nicest thing in the world. Just sayin' ...

The thing about friendships...

.. is that they're supposed to be two-way streets. Not always all the time, but in moments of need, both parties can turn to each other.

Unfortunately, it's seemed to be pretty much a one-way street for me lately. That is, me dumping all my shit on other people.

I don't want that to come off as wrong, somehow. For the first time in my life, I've finally began to trust that some men in my life won't go away. Friends that I hold incredibly dear to me I finally believe are going to be there forever.

Is that a big deal? For me? Yes.

Do I know each of them on a truly deep level? Better than most people that they have known for a long time.

Nonetheless, as I watch them each go through times of upheaval and change in their lives, I can't help but wonder what I am doing wrong on some level. What is it that I am doing that won't let those people I love and trust (finally) the most turn to me?

I don't have an answer for that.

My initial reaction is to shut myself off even more. To stop letting myself be open for people, to stop letting people know what really is going on inside of me.

But I know that would be wrong.

I think, at the end of the day, I need to keep being me and to let other people's problems be their own. I just wish I could, if not be a part of the solution, be a part of the process that helps them find it.

Meantime, I will just pray repeatedly that they all know how much I love them and to what ends of the earth I would walk to help them all.

It's been a while...

But here I am again!

I just got back from a mini-vacation at the Lake of the Ozarks with one of my best friends and some family and friends, and it was AMAZING! Granted, my liver has again suffered irreparable damage, but you will have that on occasion!

I did a lot of fun things, saw some things I NEVER thought I'd see and had what was quite simply one of the best times of my life. Certainly the best vacation of my adult life!

The last month-and-a-half or so have been interesting. Several doors apparently have closed in my life, but Providence has opened many windows in their place.

Work certainly is becoming more interesting as I move back into the night news side. At first, I was pissed about that, but I am becoming much more excited. I know it will work out well.

In all, life is pretty good, and I am doing my best to enjoy it!

Anyhow, back to cleaning and watching some CSPAN coverage of the Democrat convention!

This really blows...

The hard drive on my Macbook has died. :(

I be back up and posting regularly (I hope) when it is repaired!

Screw Sprint

I destroyed my phone over the weekend. Well, not really destroyed it so much as dropped it into water. Which really sucks because, as most of you know, I am addicted to my phone. As in, I'm always either on it, texting on it, or using it to check e-mail or MySpace or Facebook. So not having it the last couple days has left me feeling naked.

Landon had suggested that I try putting it into the fridge overnight, so I did that Monday night. Late last night, I took it out and tried turning it on. (I'll say at this point that powering up is not a problem with it. In fact, the power button is the only one that works.) To my surprise, it actually worked. For a few minutes. I could use all the buttons and navigate through all the menus. Unfortunately, the fact that about 30 texts that I had missed over the previous few days all started coming through at once prevented my from getting the opportunity to actually use the damn thing. I didn't even get a chance to read all the texts as they were coming through. Why? because the piece of shit apparently shorted back out after about 4 minutes.

So I got online and searched for some tips to try to get the phone back up and working. Several sites suggested putting the phone in a bowl of rice. So I did that and put the whole thing back into the fridge. I'm waiting until tonight to check the results.

Meanwhile, I was not freaking out about this too much because as of June 1, I was due for a new phone from Sprint, anyhow. As soon as I got home from work yesterday, I got on Sprint's site and really checked out their new phone, the Instinct. It looks a lot like the iPhone, but everything I've read about the Instinct says that it's better in a lot of ways.

Anyhow, after checking it out and weighing the options and the cost (after the rebate, the Instinct is going to cost me about $70 less than an iPhone would), I went ahead and ordered the damn thing. Sprint accepted my payment and sent me a receipt saying that the phone would arrive in 2-4 business days.

Today, I went back to the Sprint site to check the status of the order, only to find out that the phone was backordered. WTF?

I called Sprint, and come to find out, they're out of stock and won't have any in for at least one week, possibly two. To me, that sounds more like 3 or 4. I feel sorry for the two women that I talked to, but eventually, out of the goodness of their hearts, they agreed to pony up $25 toward my account. Awwww.... How sweet.

So now I am waiting and seriously considering cancelling the order and still going with the iPhone. Meantime, I'm telling all my friends and anyone on the Internet who will listen: If you're looking for Instinct, don't look to Sprint.

Thank you all...

...for your comments on the previous post about my weight. It's good to feel loved!

I can't believe it

It's that time of year again when I gear up to be a counselor at Missouri Boys State. I leave in the morning to go teach citizenship, personal responsibility and a little bit of journalism to some of the finest young men Missouri has to offer.

This is my 15th year returning on the staff, and the 16th summer that I have spent in Warrensburg for the program. It's not always been easy. I've missed Father's Day every year, with the exception of the two years that my ex-wife brought my kids to the program. Those were truly highlights of my life.

And it seems that it gets to be a bit harder each year to commit to using the vacation time for the program. And each year I find myself dragging just a bit more than the previous year by the end of the week (hey, I'm not as young as I used to be!).

But when it's all said and done, it's nice to walk away from the week with a feeling of satisfaction, knowing that I have done my part to help influence another generation of leaders in this state.

That all being said, it's time to finish packing!

Best. News. Ever.

Some time ago, I wrote a blog post about being proud of having lost 80 pounds since May 1999. I went to the doctor today, and I am officially 17 pounds past that. That's right folks, in the very near future, possibly by the end of the weekend, I will have lost 100 pounds!

The news gets better. At said doctor's appointment, I found out my A1C test result from a couple months ago was 5.9%. The A1C is a test used to find the average blood sugar levels over an extended period of time. For diabetics, the American Diabetes Association recommends that the A1C level be kept below 7%. For most healthy people, the level falls below 6%. That means I have been keeping my blood sugar in check, and the levels have fallen into a normal, healthy range.

What does this mean? Well, I go back in 6 weeks or so, and if I have lost some more weight (I'm hoping for another 15 pounds!) and if the A1C that was drawn today and the one that will be drawn that day are both in the normal ranges, I can start coming off the diabetes medication!

I've been overwhelmed with emotion all day over this. I'm finally getting to the point that my body is responding to the work I have been doing to lose weight and take care of myself. I've got a long way to go, and there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to be completely freem of medication for the rest of my life.

But knowing that, if nothing else, I have this condition in check gives me an enormous sense of satisfaction and confidence in my own ability to take control of my life.

So many people have told me today that they are proud of me: my mom, Sarah, Gabe, Andrea, James, Landon, Jerod, Ryan... And I think that I might just say to hell with thinking it's arrogant and add myself to the list of people telling me that they are proud!

Beside myself...

I just got done doing my second night of drag, and let me tell you what... it was a BLAST!

I don't think I've ever had so much fun in my life!

It was such a complete release for me, particularly on the day after my ex-wife got married again. And having all my best friends in St. Louis there made it even more special. People from work, homo friends, neighbors... I'm crying here right now thinking about it! (In a total good way, too, so don't go thinking that this bitch is sad!)

My first number was "Why'd You Come in Here Looking Like That" by Dolly Parton, and I had some HUGE titties for that song! I was really nervous, though, and I think it really showed. My second number, though, was "Big, Blonde, and Beautiful," the Queen Latifah number from the "Hairspray" soundtrack. And I did it in a corset and panties, with knee-high fishnets attached to garters. It was SHIT HOT!!! And I think that, in that number, Neara Wang found her true calling. Bitch is gonna be nothing but camp.

I couldn't have done it without a number of people. First and foremost was Jai Wilson-Tull, also known as Tabbi Kat. Girlfriend can PAINT!

And Veronica Leigh Taylor, who lent me a pair of titties tonight... And Jade Sinclair, who also lent me some titties and who beat the hell out of my wigline...

You all made me SO MUCH better, and I am so grateful!

And to Jerod and Chris and Craig, who all have to work early in the morning, THANK YOU so much! I love you girls dearly!

And to Jack and Molly and Tuffy and Jim and James Walker and Matty and Danny... Having friendly faces in the crowd means so much to a performer... Thank you!

And Andrea and Jenn, and Joe and Jenn... And Cindy... My God, it was a blast having you there!

And to Ryan and Sarah who both sent messages to me in different ways... Girls, God I love you!

And Laura and Merle... Laura, honey, I think you're gonna have a full-time job with the dragscaping!

And to Landon... Just thank you... For everything, kiddo. I really don't deserve it, but your friendship means the world to me! And thank you for bringing Randi!

And to Sasha, you honored me by asking me to be in your fundraiser... Of course I will be there!

And especially to Gabe and James, who have stood by me through so much and have witnessed this whole process finally start to see fruition... Girls, I really don't know where I would be without you. Seriously. I've talked about it and talked about it, and you two were the only ones who really never doubted that I would do it. Your faith means more than words can even begin to express!

I know that I have forgotten people here, and I know that it might bite me in the ass later, but I just had to say all that to the world. I'm on top of the world right now, and, even if it's a character and not really me, I think I might be starting to find a voice. And it's amazing!

I love you all!

Moving on

My ex-wife got married again yesterday, and I am ecstatic for her. At least, I think she got married. It was supposed to happen yesterday, and I haven't heard anything contrary.

While I am ecstatic for her, I can't help but be a little sad and scared, too. Sad because it really and finally brings to a close a part of my life that while painful, was powerfully significant. Scared because I think there always has been this little piece of me that thought, "Well, if nothing else, if you both are incredibly lonely, I bet she would take you back."

I've never thought that I would want that, nor have I ever thought that she would want that. I guess I have to use a baseball analogy here to explain. A lot of eighth-inning setup pitchers are lights-out. Then, when they try to be closers, they bomb. Why? A lot of people think it has to do with the fact that when you are a set-up man, there always is someone behind you. When you are the closer, it's just you.

So I guess it's time to take the mound, close out the game of life that I've been playing and get ready to hit the field another day!

And finally...

Neara Wang will be back Sunday night. God help us all.

It's part of my plan to become a full-blown drag queen. The funny kind, though, not the pretty kind that enters pageants and shit.

And if my mom sees any photos this time, I think I will die! (Mostly because one of Neara's outfits is a corset and g-string. Ew!)

And another thing...

I've had this fucking ear infection since last Friday, and I am TIRED of it! My doctor called in a prescription that day for what is SUPPOSED to be an ultra-high powered antibiotic. And given that I paid well over $40 for the generic AFTER my insurance, I thought it would be.

Seven pills, seven days.

Today is day seven and it hasn't even touched the infection. In fact, it's gotten a bit worse and is starting to work its way into my sinuses and chest. So I called him back and asked for something else to take. He called in the SAME FUCKING THING!

I called another friend who is a physician, and he called in good, old-fashioned amoxicillin. If this doesn't work, I'm going to stab my ear with a hatchet.

Two steps forward, one step back

I'm sort of beside myself right now. A couple big things that I have been worrying about that I thought had been resolved are not. And it sucks. Real bad.

My roommate situation I thought had been resolved. My cousin had agreed to move in when my current roommate moved out, but then she bailed on that Tuesday night. Can't blame her, really, since she had gotten back with her ex-girlfriend.

Then one of my good friends, who previously had been given six months to live with lung cancer only to be told earlier this week that it wasn't cancer, found out earlier today that the biopsies indeed do show that he has lymphoma. It's early, and the doctor is confident that it can be treated with chemotherapy.

I hate the roller coaster effect of the last few weeks. Let it be up, or let it be down. I don't know that I have it in me much longer to keep doing both.

Running through my head

For some reason, I have had a bunch of random stuff stuck in my head lately. Two things particularly stand out, though.

The first is the word punanny. For some reason, that popped into my head the moment I woke up today. Don't ask me why; neither you nor I really want to know!

The second is a line from a song that I haven't been able to get out of my head for a few days. Normally when I get a song stuck in my head, I have to listen to it once or twice all the way through, and it goes away. This one hasn't.

The lyric is "You can make a million dollars, but you might lose yourself." It's from the song "Hollywood's not America" by a young singer named Ferras, who hails from a small town in Illinois. I have heard the song many times, and it never really stuck with me. In fact, I have heard most of his album, and while I enjoyed it on the surface, I can't say that I ever found much substance to it. At least, nothing that really stuck with me.

But over the past few days, this line has worked its way into my brain hardcore.

I guess it's just a result of the fact that I really think I have lost myself lately. Maybe not lately. Maybe it happened a LONG time ago and I am just now realizing it. Either way, it certainly has been a constant reminder lately that I am on the right track, trying to find out who I really am.

If you want to hear the whole song, check out this video of him performing live on "Today."